Lubrication and Atheism: Tips I’ve learned from speed dating

In the last few months, I’ve been a speed dating fool.  You heard me.  I’ve gone about 3-4 times and I’ve matched up with people every single time.  This wasn’t always the case.  I’ve done it in the past and have ended up in the red.  So, what changed?  Here are my speed dating tips for guarantee success.

  1. Don’t walk into the event thinking “This is it.  The one is here.” You know that expression –  you have to kiss a lot of frogs, etc – well, keep that in mind.
  2. Keep an open mind.  Most people have a “type” that they are attracted to.  Throw that out the window at speed dating and think of every person as a potential match.
  3. Relax.  Remember, this is a first impression.  So, you want to put your best foot forward.
  4. Don’t get drunk first.  If you want to drink, lubricate with one drink but don’t over do it (Trust me).  Water is nature’s candy or some bullshit like that.
  5. To quote one of the guys I met through speeddating – if someone is a “maybe” in your mind, then mark him/her as a “yes.”  If there is an attraction and some potential, then he/she could be a good fit.

My final tip comes in the version of a cute little story.  I was at speed dating last week and I started talking to one of the guys.  I told him I preferred speed dating to online dating because you could see if there was a spark right away.  He disagreed.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you can’t choose who is sitting across from you,” he responded.  “There are certain criteria I’m looking for and I can’t tell just by talking to someone across the table for 5 minutes.”

I looked at him and said, “Ok, then, pretend this is online dating.  What criteria should I have to be a match with you?”

He looked sheepishly at me and said, “Really?  I can tell you?”

“Sure,” I said.  “People tell me lots of things.”

“Ok, then.  She has to smoke a lot of weed.”

“Ok, well, then, I can tell you now we’re not a match.  What else?”  I asked him.

He said, “She has to be agnostic or atheist.”

I said to him, “There’s strike two for me.  I’m Jewish and I work for a Jewish organization.”

We laughed.  I talked to him more about what he likes in a woman.  Suddenly, we heard the “DING!” of the bell and our 5 minutes were up.  Before he moved on to the next table, I leaned in and whispered:

“Let me give you a bit of advice.  Don’t tell any of the other girls here what you told me.  None of them will go out with you.”

P.S.  Always take my advice with a grain of salt.  I’m still single, remember.

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