So, I checked my OkCupid account last night and had the following message:
Wow. I can’t believe you’re on here. I am telling! Looks like we both have the same problem… 🙂
Would you agree that it sound like he knows me and stumbled upon my profile? I looked at his picture – it’s a little fuzzy – and I didn’t recognize him. Glanced at his profile (which I’ll discuss more later). Wasn’t sure. So, I wrote him back an ambiguous message:
Why would it be a surprise that I’m on here?
A few hours later, his response:
Thanks so much for getting back to me. I don’t know about you, but we could go on for days and possibly weeks with E-mail correspondence. If you don’t mind, I would like to proceed further. I always like talking on the phone; you can get a better vibe from a person that way. How about this? I give you a call. Sound good? Let me know.
WTF? My response:
Do we know each other? Or, are you just making an attempt at sarcasm?
But, what I really wanted to say was: Are you f’ing insane? Are you crazy?
And, ladies, I’m afraid he may be clinically insane. First of all, his profile is miles and miles long. As in, if you attempt to scroll to the bottom of it, it’ll take you a good 10 minutes.
But I won’t lie. Much of what he writes is really funny. I still think he’s certifiable, but amusing. Here are some of my favorite pieces of his profile:
He starts out his profile: I’m Looking For A Girlfriend, So We Can Go To Couple’s Counseling Together And Work Out Our Problems.
Cute, amusing, probably sadly accurate.
Then he writes: There are several reasons why I signed up for okcupid personals. For one, I’m tired of the bar and club scene. Second, it seems everyone is in a serious relationship or married. And third and most important, I want to fall in love. It’s always hard to explain yourself. This is like going on a job interview and the interviewer asking, “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” Don’t you hate that question?
He also lists his “Five Star” Reviews, which are mildly amusing, including:
“definitely the coolest guy in massachusetts, if not the entire western hemisphere!”
—new york times
“the best writer since jd salinger and dh lawrence, hands down.”
“sexier than robert plant and britney spears wrestling beneath a glorious waterfall of olive oil and glitter”
“more fun to listen to than most music, creed and dave matthews excluded”
—the guy from creed and a guy who likes dave matthews
“i would come out of my secret hiding place just for a chance at his friendship.”
Then he says:
Me: 42 year old white male with a generally positive outlook on life, one salary, zero tattoos, one car, one hamster, and one (slightly used) apparatus for baby making. I’d be willing to consider getting re-virginized if this is a deal-breaker for your family.
I’d prefer not to convert to your religion, but I would consider relocation if my travel expenses were covered. [Ha, this one made me crack up.]
Then, my friends, he gets into the 100 reason to date him [I’m including my faves.]:
- You’ll never have to worry about driving illegally in the carpool lane again
- I’ll hold your coffee for you when you’re driving
- Around you, times stands still
- I promise not to burn the house down while you’re gone
- I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop
- I don’t care what music we listen to in the car
- I’ve never eaten a bon-bon in my life
This where it gets really creepy:
You see, I come from the other side of the universe. I have a mission, I want to share it with you. This is the doctrine that I presented to the human female species of your so called planet earth some time ago.
► Greetings Earthwomen.
I am Kham from the planet Krobernorz. I have traveled many years to meet you. Fourteen of your years ago, our planet suffered a cataclysmic event, forever affecting our future. A race of opposite gender aliens has invaded Krobernorz and have mandated that they will destroy all of us unless we mate with them and become their boyfriends. Obviously, we are very confused.
I have been sent by my superiors to “date”, and record the social interactions between your genders. Until recently on Korbernorz we had only one gender. I fear this “dating” will be a difficult task.
I seek your help. I have found your “Internet”. Please help. You are our last hope.
I have assumed the shape of a 42 year old single Caucasian male human being and have taken up residence in a place called Massachusetts. My mission must not fail.
So, would I go out with him? You bet as long as he promises to take his meds!