This blog is getting way to serious and heavy! So, in the spirit of which it was intended, I bring you some new, funny dating posts and emails that I’ve received recently. [Drumroll…]
Poor Makahiya! Here he is, declaring that not only has his experience on Datehookup “enhanced his professional and social skills,” but he has also found value in love and providence. Then the devil in diguise, aptly named “RedHeadGuy,” had the audacity to ask him if he has “been laid yet.” Without giving Makahiya a chance to respond, the red-head says ,”I doubt it.”
I don’t know about you, ladies and gentlemen, but when I’m looking to date, the first thing I think about is providence. Don’t you? (I’m afraid my red-headed friend might be right.)
Then, we come to “lookin4luvinma9” who messaged me recently on OkCupid and told me that not only he was a “sweet funny jewish man” but looking for a soulmate for “love and marriage.” Score! I mean, could I asked for anything more? Um, yes, apparently, I could. I could ask that he not delete his profile before I have a chance to respond. But, with my detective work and ample research on good screen names, I now know that spammers tend to use “luv” and “lookin” and other “non-words” in their screen names.
This one is one of my personal favorites of all time and trust me, he’s in the running for creepiest emailer ever. I got this one on the website Zoosk.com. My comments are in red.
Hello Beautiful, I am not just looking for my date, I am looking for a long term relationship with marriage eventually and possibly even a child. [Creepy.]
I am trained in finance and medicine. My profile says white but I am a mix of many blood lines, and I am a coverted Jew. I was associated with a group known as Chadeish Yameinu in Santa Cruz most recently. [Oy, a Jewish doctor!]
Even though the Chadeish Yameinu group is a reform Jewish group, I tend more toward orthodox beliefs, although I have never slighted others for freedom of choice. [Creepy.]
I am in good health overall. I was an investigator and auditor in finance and medicine. I am now paid and do not even have to show up and I have full benefits. I have my hand in many other projects at all times also, all legal of course. [This is getting good. Not only is he in good health, but he is now paid to not show up at his job. Phew, it’s all legal, though. I was concerned there for a minute that he was crazy, but phew, he’s assured me that it is all legit.]
I would like to speak with you. Did you know we have holocaust style abuses going on in the USA and that we have basically gone under martial law? I am also trained in law and my investigations have uncovered some frightening things in other areas also. I am also trained in astronomy and meteorology and other things. [This paragraph pisses me off. What does he mean by “holocaust style” abuses? Saying this to a Jew who lost family in the Holocaust is probably not the smartest thing.]
Let’s get together. Let’s have some matzo ball soup and discuss the high holidays this year. I hope to be there with you if you attend, and if not, I want to be with you regardless. [But, I shouldn’t really worry about the paragraph above. Kurt and I will talk over some soup about the High Holidays, and we all know that everything is cured with a little chicken soup.]
Kurt [a.k.a. one of the creepiest people who has ever written to me on any dating site…ever.]