A few years ago, I started chatting with this guy – we’ll call him John – online I can’t remember why, but we ended up bickering and stopped talking without ever meeting. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. John sent me a note on another online dating site. I recognized his picture immediately and knew that we had bickered, though I couldn’t recall why.
I responded to John, mentioned our previous encounters, and we agreed we’d put whatever disagreement we had had in the past behind us. We talked back and forth for a while and then he asked me for my phone number, which I happily handed over, because things were going well. He called the next night and unfortunately, he caught me during a very busy week. I didn’t get a chance to get back to him but I emailed him, apologized, and told him I would call him back. Then, it dawned on me. I’m busy, he’s busy. Why don’t we just meet and see if we click? So, I emailed him and suggested this.
He agreed, but continued to complain about the phone call. I responded that although I am a busy, hard working person,
“Once I am in a relationship, I always make time for him. Because, your job isn’t going to be there for you when you’ve had a bad day!” I then reminded him that I had explained about the phone call situation. I said, “I was up front about that and emailed you to explain why I couldn’t return your call. It’s atypical for me, but you wouldn’t know that since you don’t know me yet, so hopefully you will cut me some slack there.”
Then I bit the bullet and wrote:
“I think the challenge for two single people in their late 30s is that we tend to be set in our ways and what they’re looking for a mate. I really think it is important for us to meet and see if there is a spark. It is difficult to read ‘tone’ in an email and we’re often quick to judge when we don’t know the person. I think we’ve established that we’d like to get to know each other more. I just ask you that you give me some time to get to know me before jumping to any conclusions about me based on what you’ve interpreted in an email.”
He said he understood, agreed, and asked when we were meeting for that drink.
A day or two later, he wrote me again and said he was too concerned that I didn’t call him back, and that he was afraid that this would mean I would never call him back when we were in a relationship.
DUDE! No wonder you’re still single! Either that or he’s been really burned. Regardless, talk about – pardon my French here – being a total pussy. I mean, seriously? Take a frigin chance on meeting someone without jumping to conclusions.
I called my friend and asked her how I should respond. I was steaming and laughing at the same time. And trust me, I was glad we didn’t go out. She and I composed the following response to John.
“Once again, as I previously mentioned, you made assumptions about my life and schedule. While I may have been too busy to call you back and, frankly, too exhausted in the evening to introduce a conversation with someone I hadn’t met yet (and, I imagine, the conversation may have been lengthy as we got to know each other), things may have changed this week but you are not giving me the opportunity to get there. With that said, I was willing to meet you in person which I think is far more important than a 5-minute phone call. The fact that you put so much importance on a 5-minute phone call and presumed that I would be too busy to take part in any sort of meaningful relationship with you, definitely shows me that we are, in deed, not a good match.
So, I, too, wish you the best of luck and encourage you to be more open minded and less presumptuous based on experiences that you’ve had with other women.”
Note: I wrote this blog last night and have gotten a lot of hits…and a lot of comments through email an FB. And, of course, one friend was able to identify who it was so I removed the note that provided his real name. She did give me some insight into the person and trust me, not dating him was a blessing. But, I don’t want to come across as a whiny, rejected blogger. My point is that sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone and give someone a chance.