Getting Fapitzed, Dreaming of my wedding to Todd, Meeting a Latin Lover, and Other Speed Dating Antics

It’s nearly 10pm on Friday night and I’m comfortably snuggled in bed with my laptop, iPad, iPhone, and… that’s about it, my friends.  I must have accessibility with three devices AT ALL TIMES to post on Facebook.  I must!

I’m just back from speed dating and wanted to blog about it while it is still fresh in my mind.  I received an email yesterday about comp tickets for speed dating for ages 38 – 55, so I thought I’d give it a go since I’m 38 and thought I might have better luck with an older crowd.

It was held at a bar in downtown Boston – a place I’ve been to before for speed dating.   There’s a nice, quiet back room with dim mood lighting so I figured no one would notice that my sweater really needed to be de-fuzzed.  I put on a cute, boobalicious shirt and some denim trousers with boots.  I even had on makeup!  I think I looked pretty cute.

When I arrived, there were a few people mulling about and I met Nicole, who was running the show.  She told me she had been working as a speed dating hostess for 4 years, so I immediately gave her my personal business card and asked if I could interview her for the blog.  Nicole, if you’re reading this, don’t forge to email me!  She was super cool and I think you’d all get a kick out of learning the ins and outs of speed dating from her.

And you know me.  I’m always picking up chicks at speed dating.  I immediately started chatting with two recently divorced ladies who had come to speed dating for the first time. Virgins!  They were two of the classiest people I’ve met at speed dating.  We chatted for a while and one of them exchanged cards with me.  Sigh.  As usual, I have no problem talking to single women.  It’s the single men out there who make me nervous and tongue tied.

And then it began.  For a nice change of pace, there were two more men than women at the event!  I started out with Brent, who ironically has the same name as my high school crush.  Brent was cute, but a bit awkward with me and alas, there was just no chemistry.  Nice guy, though.  The second guy I met was really awkward and filled the silent pauses with more silent pauses.  I tried to initiate conversation with him, but he was just not having it.  All of sudden he said, “Is your hair always curly?”  and I was immediately brought back about 5 years ago when I went on a second date with this guy and he commented, “Your hair looks different than the last time I saw you.”  I told him that curly hair tends to do that – it doesn’t usually look the same twice – and he was totally wigged (pun intended) out by that.  Never heard from him again.  Guess he was a hair man (versus a leg man or boob man).

Anyhow, back to speed dating.

The third guy was bald and incredibly sweet.  He was extremely personable and the conversation flowed very easily.  If we end up a match, I’d go out with him.

Next was arguably my favorite guy.  He had slicked back hair and was the kind of guy that you’d describe as a “Latin Lover.”  He was cute and flirty.  Our conversation went something like this:

Latin Lover (LL): Are you having fun tonight?

Me:  Of course, but I could have fun in a paper box.

LL: Really?  Tell me more about you in this paper box.  What would you do in this box?

Me: Gosh, so many things.  I could curl up in it, or sit in it while people surrounded me.  Or better yet, I could share it with someone special.

LL: Would you like to, then, seal it up with your special someone and then lock it from the inside?

Me: Um, probably not, I would get claustrophobic.  I’d like to keep the top open if you don’t mind.

LL: You’d be squeezed too tight in there, huh?

Me:  Yeah, for sure.

LL: You like to squeeze things, eh?  (and then he nudged me)

Me:  Are you trying to set me up to say something inappropriate?  Because I will.

LL: Tell me what you like to squeeze.

Me:  Avocados in the supermarket.  I like to see if they’re ripe.

LL: Anything else?

Me:  Nope, absolutely not.  Nothing else is getting squeezed by me.

And, sadly, this continued on for another 4 minutes until the DING! of the bell.

Next up was Todd.  He was cute and wore red, so he must have read the memo.  So I’m going to admit something extremely embarrassing and weird right now.  When I was in 7th grade, I went to a Bat Mitzvah that had a psychic to entertain us kiddos in between dancing the Horah and a righteous game of Coke and Pepsi.  Anyhow, this psychic told my 13-year-old self that I was going to marry someone named Tom or Todd.  And as you know, I’m still single, so I secretly believe this is still going to come true.  So when I encounter a Tom or Todd in my dating world, I (now not-so-secretly) believe that we’re going to get married.  So, of course, I envisioned my wedding with Todd during the 6 minutes of speed dating.  Sadly, I already know (don’t ask how) that Todd did not pick me.   So, my quest for a Tom or Todd continues.

The last two guys were a blur.  One had 3 adult sons and I suddenly felt like I should be dating one of his sons than him.  And the last guy asked me if we had met before at speed dating.  We hadn’t.  But I took it that he was thinking that he had to now reject me for a second time.

And that was my evening.  I don’t expect any matches from the event, but it was good to get fapitzed and put myself out there.

If anyone is up for a good old fashioned game of Coke and Pepsi or knows a nice single guy named Todd or Tom, I’m game.

2 thoughts on “Getting Fapitzed, Dreaming of my wedding to Todd, Meeting a Latin Lover, and Other Speed Dating Antics

  1. Meh, so you’ll do better next time.

    I hate the idea of dating someone with sons my age. At first I’m like, ok but what if he’s actually got a great body & is rich? But them I’m like, yeah, but his son will likely have an ever better body & will be rich too.

    Last thing you want to do is get caught lusting over the kid, cuz then you look like a pedo, even though you’re technically the same age.

    The latin stallion part made me laugh 🙂

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