It’s been a surreal day. All day at work, I felt this sense of uneasiness mixed with emotion. For goodness sake, I was emoting all over the place!
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I live in the epicenter of the marathon bombing so being on lockdown because there were terrorists in your neighborhood can have its effect on you. I mean, I share this feeling of uneasiness with millions of other people who were on lockdown. I know I’m not alone in this, but I just handle things differently than others, I think.
And then there’s Mr. Craig’s List. I tell you, I don’t know what it is about him, but it’s like there is some magnet drawing me to him. I have a lot of friends who are giving me advice about how to handle this situation and I appreciate it, but I also know that sometimes, you cannot control what the heart wants. More importantly, I feel very grateful for this experience with him because, even if it doesn’t work out, it has opened me up to feeling again.
For the past several years, I’ve had a lot of emotional ups and downs and have pulled myself away from caring for men who’ve come into my life. I think the last person who made me truly happy was a man called T who flipped in and out of my life in the summer of 2010. I still remember someone saying to me that there was a lightness about me – a happiness – and I floated in & out of life, wearing bright summery sun dresses and a permanent smile on my face. He just made me happy. And when he abruptly dumped me, it’s weird but it didn’t faze me as much as I would have thought. I mean, at the time, it stung, but I think I was so grateful to have the time I did with him, that I didn’t (and still don’t) mind that it ended. It was what I needed at that moment in time.
And I think that’s what’s happening with Mr. Craig’s List. Granted, I dig him and would like things to work, but it is more about having that connection with someone. I mean, he’s hot and smart and successful….and he likes me. And frankly, it is really enough right now. Sure, I’d love to get married and move forward with someone, but I also do well with these type of boosts in my life. To have someone send me “XOXO” in the middle of the work day via text is really enough right now. Perhaps it is baby steps, but it’s like being awoken from a “feelings” hibernation.
So, keep on cheering me on as I open up my heart and mind again to dating and love. I need your support.