Ladies and germs, I’ve been dipping my toe back into the world of online dating.  Well, starting to read the emails I get and even send a few notes to people myself.

But, for goodness sake, why can’t there be a required tutorial about appropriate online dating photos before someone can post their profile?  I can only speak from the female perspective viewing male profiles, but damn, the majority of the photos that men post online are absurd.   Among the most confusing/wackiest/annoying are:

The Bare Breasted

My biggest pet peeve is the shirtless photo.  Men, I know you wish us women would post a shirtless photo, but we don’t need to see your pecks yet….especially if you’re sporting the man boobs.  Listen, I’m not suggesting that men with man boobs don’t date, but do you need to show me them before we’ve even met?  How about waiting until intimacy…or, at the very least, a day at the beach?  Until then, less is more.

The Camera Phone Selfie

These are cute when we’re flirting or dating casually.  Sure, send me a picture of yourself smiling at me over text.  But, try to woo me with a first impression with a crooked selfie?  Nah.

 The Obligatory Hiking/ Skiing/Scuba/Biking Photo

It’s amazing that you’re athletic!  It’s amazing that you ski!  It’s amazing that you hike!  And you intimidate me.  Enough said. (By the way, the adorable guy in this photo posted this image with his head.  I removed it to protect his identity!)

The “Who’s that Girl?”

She may be your mother…or your sister..or your cousin, but from my first impression perspective, she’s the one who got away.  Don’t include pix of other women when wooing a woman.

The “I Swear That’s Me!”

See that itty bitty spec in the lower right corner?  See it?  Now, look behind that spec.  Yep, that’s me.  Pretty please…make sure we can see you in the picture!  (The photo to the left doesn’t even include a picture of the guy from the profile).

The Hair Today, Bald Tomorrow

The older we get, the more we expect you to be bald.  It’s ok to only post recent photos when you’ve gone bald or shaved your head.  You don’t need to show us when you had hair 5 years ago.  We don’t care.  We want to see you as you are today!  The same thing should apply to me – you should see me in my current weight and not the weight I wish I was!

The Kitty Doggy  Shot

So cute that you have a cat.  Or a dog.  Great!  But I don’t need to see a photo of just your dog or cat.  Photos of you playing with said animal are adorable, but solo animal shots are creepy to people who don’t own animals.

So there you go.  My own self-absorbed critical analysis of online photos.  And mock my comments if you will.  But if I see one more pot belly send me a misspelled introductory email, I’m throwing my laptop out the window and screaming, “I’m going to die alone!”

P.S.  Alright, sometimes there are exceptions.  The firefighter in the photo below viewed my Ok Cupid profile.  Even though you can’t tell it is him, he’s fighting a fire!  Heroes are ok in my book.

P.P.S.  All of the photos included in this post are people who either viewed my online dating profiles or wrote to me.  Except the cat at the laptop.  That one just cracked me up.