Last night, I got a “you’ve been liked” on OkCupid so I went to check out the guy’s profile. First of all, he’s married. And his post says the following:
Hello, I’m a 41 y/o man seeking a connection with a sweet, loving mother. It would be wonderful if you are soft, sensual, loving and preferably nursing. I want to look into your eyes as I suckle and nurse.
And you look like an overweight, wet poodle. Guarantee you’re a liberal, public trough eating pig. “Well educated” and foolish. Never taken a chance, never done anything on your own. Just keep watching NBC, you simple, foolish liberal, wacko.
- Yes, I’m overweight. But diet and exercise can fix that, right?
- Wet poodle, eh? I’ve never been called a “dog” to my face, before, but then again, this coward did it online.
- Liberal? You bet. Sorry that I think my gay friends should be able to get married, you freak!
- Public trough eating pig? Bring it on, bitch!
- “Well educated”? At least one of us is!
- Never taken a chance, never done anything on your own? Hmmm, let’s see. Moved to Rome on my own. Check. Moved to London on my own. Check. Moved to DC on my own. Check. Moved to Boston on my own. Check. Taken about 20 vacations on my own. Check. Bought a house. Oh, wait, that’s right – on my own. Check.
- NBC?: Doesn’t this fool know I don’t even have cable?
- Simple?: Pretty sure I coined the term “It’s Complicated.”
- Wacko? Wait a minute here. I’m the wacko?
But seriously, you can’t take ignorant, off-their-meds people like this seriously.
My response to him was:
I can lose weight and have. But you’ll always be a creepy asshole.
Now, I’m very tempted to post his photo here in the hopes that his wife sees it. But, I’m true to my word and will just offer to email it to anyone who asks (JoannaOnlineDating (at) gmail.com).
WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
Another weirdo visited my profile today on OkCupid.
This is what he wrote. I’m speechless.
Strange situation, mine. I’m looking for a woman aged 35-50, living in or amenable to traveling to San Diego, height-weight proportionate, with black or dark brown hair and white skin. This contrast between hair and skin is critical. Eye color doesn’t matter. I’m unconcerned with likes, dislikes, hobbies, personality, and career, for reasons to be defined in a minute. I would enjoy spending time with you, not as friends, not as lovers, but as adversaries. How so? I will appear fully dressed, sitting comfortably in a chair facing you. I will remain dressed the entire time, and in fact won’t even engage in physical contact with you (eye contact, yes). You will appear in a sexy bikini of your choice, but you too will never be nude. You will sit in a comfortable chair opposite me by a few feet. All you have to do is spend an hour at a time sensually outlining your body with your hands and telling me, in various ways, how I cannot have you, cannot touch you, cannot compare to your boyfriend or husband (even if he’s a future possibility…we’ll pretend you’re not single). That’s the sum of it. Simple, and before you wonder “what’s in it for me?”, consider that you’ll be provided with refreshments as needed as well as a tidy reward for your time (I need not specify, other than to say it’s time better spent than at all but the most prestigious and well-compensated occupations). This reward sits visible beside us the entire time, a testament that I’m serious. Just to be clear, there is no sex, no foreplay, no physical contact of any kind. We don’t have to be friends, you don’t have to make conversation with me, all you have to do is be proud of your body, show it off, and be willing to tell me that I’m simply insufficiently endowed with intelligence, personality, and looks to warrant having you.I guess it comes down to one word: kink. A pretty harmless one, no? This desire of mine probably stems from visits to the beach in my past, where the women were clearly out of my league (I’m an average- (not ugly) looking gent from the world of science, more at home in the lab than the bar, so you can well imagine). Pic on demand if you insist. Incidentally, when I mentioned ‘an hour at a time,’ above, I meant it to indicate that I’m looking for this to be routine, around once a month, ideally with the same woman. I’d rather not have random women rotating through, so the first to indulge my kink is likely the one who will continue to sate it.Ciao for now.