Oh yes, you read correctly. But I’m not referring to myself. I’m referring to the treasure of a man that I met on Facebook a few night’s ago. Read on.
I recently joined a group of Jewish singles groups on Facebook and while I do not expect to meet my soulmate amongst these groups, they have made for some interesting (and disturbing) interactions as of late.
Let’s start with tonight’s inspiration before we get to Mr. Doesn’t Give a Fuck.
A 20-something, bearded, unattractive (in my opinion) posted this message a few hours ago:
Shall we analyze this one? So, he’s looking for someone younger and observant (I think he’s a modern orthodox Jew). He wants someone slim, but she must have 33C boobs and child bearing hips. So we’re talking Barbie-like proportions, here? And don’t forget that she must be “professionally-minded” which I guess means “smart” but it’s not quite clear, but also “dumb” enough to stay home and drink beers with him. Ok, so we’re looking for a smart yet dumb Jewish barbie who works out to have babies with an ugly bearded 20-something. Those kids are going to be adorable!
The only thing I can say is props to him for saying it out loud. Just not sure the best place to say it out loud was on an online dating group. Probably should’ve saved it for his diary or future therapist’s office (where he’ll end up when he’s confused he couldn’t find this perfect specimen).
Then, we’ve got bachelor #2. He’s a gem, which is why I saved the best for last! He posted “Anyone from Massachusetts?” last week in one of these single Facebook groups so I responded that I was, and he “friended” me. I noticed we both had photos with the Red Sox world series trophies, so I message him about his photos. Our conversation went like this:
Me: Ok, so we both got our pictures taken at [my place of business] with the Red Sox trophies. How did you end up there that day?
Him: ad in paper
Me: Oh, wow! I work in the building!
Him: What do u do there?
Me: I work for [name of nonprofit] – we rent space from the [place where we rent space]
Him: What does [name of nonprofit] do? porno?
Him: What does [name of nonprofit] do?
Him: It does?
Me: You wrote that. See above
Him: It’s a joke . what does [name of nonprofit] do?
Me: Help kids with special needs. Far cry from porn.
Him: day care?
Me: No, Jewish education
Him: You jewish ed teacher?
Me: fundraiser. What do you do?
Him: teach sped kids
Me: small world
Him: and porn star hahaha
Me: Funny, me too
Him: I thought u looked familiar
Me: Yeah, I’m quite famous
Him: were you in Bunghole Babes 7 or 8?
Me: This is the part that I warn you that I’m a dating blogger and you’re turning into my next post. Fortunately for you, I don’t use names.
Me: I am seriously a dating blogger but I’m only teasing about being my next post!
Him: What is a “dating blogger” and what did i do? if u want to blog about me, i’ll really give u something to blog about
Me: I blog about my dating life. You’re talking about bungholes with a woman you just met. I save all my bunghole talk for a second date
Him: Here is the title of your next blog: Single Jew Who Doesn’t Give A Fuck
Him: glad i could help u with the blog i hope my story will be in inspiration to others
Me: I have a feeling it will
Him: just be sure to mention how sexy i am
Me: Ha ha, I will!
Me: you might as well give out my contact info and tell all the women that dont get offended easily to contact me
Me: Trust me, you don’t want me sharing your contact info. I have a lot of readers.
Him: give me website
Me; I can take a survey, tho, if you like to see if others would have enjoyed your porn talk.
Him: so u do soooo much dating that you blog about it huh?
Me: I write about dating, relationships, etc. I also teach classes on writing online dating profiles
Him: hahah they must be pretty hard up to hire you for that
Me: Either that, or I’m just so full of wisdom
Him: so u must get some all the time based on u being an expert
Me: I suppose I could if I wanted to.
Him: lol how modest
Me: It’s not terribly difficult for a woman to find a willing man. But of course most of us want more than that.
Him: what do u want?
Me: I have no clue
Him: and where is your blog? i bet u want plenty of sex and bunghole talk
Me: Not from someone I don’t know.
Him: hey. i never said from me
Me: much rather have someone ask me how my day was than want to talk dirty
Him: Good luck with that one Being a relationship expert myself, I can tell you are the “Lets be best friends first and then become lovers” type
I stopped responding there. I just got bored with him. It’s hard to fight with crazy. Oh, but wait, wait. Sorry, I’m just easily offended. Ha! First of all, shall us ladies give him some pointers on not mentioning porn as our profession if he’s attempting to woo us? And then the “bunghole” talk? Even my 22-year-old nephew is more mature than that! I think I may have giggled about Beavis and Butthead’s bungholio references in college…and maybe in the privacy of my brother’s apartment….but not when I’m having a correspondence online with a potential suitor! Duh. There’s a time and a place.
He asked me to share his contact info with all of you, but to save him the embarrassment, I won’t, but I will promise to share it with anyone who asks for it privately via email! You call tell him the star of Bunghole Babes 7 AND 8 sent you!
MWAH, my loyal readers. Happy Sunday night to you all.