What if?

I had an abnormal mammogram.  It was my first one and it came back with what my doctor called a “shadow.” What the heck is a shadow on a boob?

So I had to go to the big bad Breast Center and get another mammogram and an ultrasound. I was nervous but didn’t think too much of it…until I was sitting in the waiting room – stripped from the waste up – and donning a very elegant gown supplied by the nurse. I started shaking a little and a thought went through my head.

What if the test isn’t normal? What if it isn’t good news?

I was sitting there – alone – and realized I didn’t want to receive bad news alone.  Suddenly I wanted my mom, one of my friends, anyone who is a comfort in my life. In general, I’m a self-soother, an independent woman. But this struck a nerve.

I got summoned to the room with the big machine that squishes the boobies.

The nurse warned me it would hurt.

When the pain started, I began using breathing techniques I’ve learned to handle anxiety outbursts.  I focused on my breath.

By the time I got to my ultrasound, I was calm.  The tech commented on how calm I was. The breathing helped. I regained my confidence.

The doctor handed me a sheet with the words “normal mammogram” ticked on it.

Phew.

I walked out of the Breast Center into the sunshine and headed to work.

I was one of the lucky ones.

But what if I wasn’t?

Grateful.

P.S. I wore my “Wonder Woman” underwear today & I firmly believed that helped.