Jacked up on Triple Espressos

Mom told me I didn’t need to come for her surgery. She knew I had a busy week at work. “You’ll come after my surgery, ” she said. “Really, we’ll have a full house. No need to come.”

Dad did not agree. “I want you to be here. The doctor will come out of surgery with news and you need to be here with us, as a family.”

I asked my colleague to cover a luncheon for me on the day of the surgery. She graciously agreed, and I bought a one way ticket to NY, keeping it open for when I return. I asked my boss if I could work remotely next week. He said, of course.

So we wait. Mom makes the most of her week and we pray like hell that it’s not, frankly, fatal.

I’m so fortunate to have Mr. T’s support. I don’t honestly know what I’d do without him. It’s only been about a month, but he has become such an important presence in my life. Not to be crass, but it’s like having a best friend you like to kiss. Seriously, it is the best of both worlds in one person.

It is so strange to be falling for someone while you’re in such personal pain. Literally – I was also diagnosed today with a damaged esophagus and recommended to have bariatric surgery. It’s all a bit overwhelming.

I’ve been working 12, 13 hour days – and weekends – to keep up with my tremendous workload in the office. My assistant quit so I’m covering a lot of her work in the interim.

Frankly, I’m exhausted. I rarely sleep at night – tossing and turning – and walk around like a zombie, jacked up on triple espressos from Starbucks.

How do you get through these rough patches?

I’m trying – I’m going to hear a favorite band tonight with my brother & sister in law. Tomorrow I’m sharing my recovery story at a local eating disorder clinic – I look at it as permission to cry. And Sunday–I’ve promised myself I can stay in pjs all day. Mr T will be visiting me on Sunday evening after he drops his kids at their mom’s place. I’ll get laundry done and pack for NY.

I also get through things by writing about it here. It’s not hard for me to open up but it is hard to ask for help. I’m sinking and feel very alone. If you reach out, chances are it will help. I’d even accept some “empty sorries” rather than silence.

(Since I wrote this, 3 of you have reached out. Thank you!)


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