9/21/18

My anxiety has been out of control this week. Yesterday, it came to a head while sitting in the surgeon’s office as she told me I will not be able to have my surgery until December. I started crying, talking about my mom and how I need to be there for her. It was a “hot mess.” Always fun to cry in a doctor’s appointment.

Mr T came over and we went to an event at WGBH, which was a lot of fun to reconnect with former colleagues, and listen to some interesting speakers. We grabbed subs from my local pizzeria afterwards and brought them home. He has been incredibly supportive with my depression and anxiety, which is so appreciated.

Mom is about 7 weeks into chemo. Here’s the routine. Monday, chemo. Tuesday, energetic because of steroids. Wednesday, she crashes. Thursday is the worst. Friday, she gets IV to hold her over the weekend. Weekends are lethargic. Rinse and repeat. Every week, I remind her of this cycle. I’m not sure if it helps her, but it gives her hope that come Monday, she’ll feel better. She’s tried every nausea medication on the market, and they sometimes work. But let’s face it, chemo makes you tired and nauseous.

One of the reasons I write so openly about my anxiety is that this helps me track how the seasons affect me. Clearly, the days are getting shorter and this has a big impact on me. I know I’m only one of many people. But it’s hard not to feel alone in it. I’ve been feeling very lonely lately, despite being surrounded by people. It’s a very strange feeling.

 

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