Tuckered Out

Anyone else just feel pure exhaustion by the end of the day these days? It’s amazing how sitting at home all day – alone – in front of your computer can wipe you out? Granted, I’m in the middle of many conversations throughout the day, whether it is on social media, starleaf (my new job’s version of zoom), zoom in the evening with friends/family, facetime, email, face-to-face with neighbors through our windows. You see, we’re so not alone! We’re actively working, doing, thinking, writing, creating, and mostly, feeling.

And when I briefly check on Boston.com or NY Times online – or the news – it is march after march, protest after protest for George Floyd, for #blacklivesmatter. I support it. I support the way we all need to stick together. I certainly do not want anyone treated differently or unfairly or unjust simply because of their skin color. Don’t get me wrong.

But I’m drained. I’m worried about my mom’s health. I’m worried about my dad’s health as he cares for her. I feel guilty for not marching, for not fighting the cause because I’m consumed with my own needs. I’m consoling the kids when they freak out because I got a Covid-19 test so I can visit my folks. I hate how I’m so incredibly consumed in my own shit that I can’t worry about mankind. It just makes me feel selfish. How do I absolve myself from this? The truth is, I can’t. But I do know that I’m raising money for a hospital (as I said yesterday) and we’re serving a large population of people who can’t afford big hospital bills. Today I learned that we’re working on a food donation because our patients are hungry. So that’s where I’m focused. I’m not marching or protesting but I hope I’m helping in the way I can.

I don’t even know who to ask if I am doing enough. It never feels like enough. Do I make a donation? Do I make a sign? I don’t want to stay silent, but what do I do? It’s a rhetorical question, but one that’s top of mine.

How you doin'?

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