3:45am thoughts

Not much good happens when you’re awake at 3am. My cat woke me for her middle of the night feeding, which to her, is like breakfast. Usually I can fall back asleep but not tonight…today?

I’m still saddened over a woman I know ranting about me (no name, phew!) on her FB page because I was vaccinated. She seems to think I should have refused the shots and left them for people in need. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work that way. We communicated privately about it but it still doesn’t remove the sting. I am apparently a terrible person for accepting the offer. I understand where she’s coming from and want to be sympathetic, but it pains me that I hurt someone that I thought was a friend.

And I made the mistake of looking at the comparable sales of condos while mine is still in process with the buyer. I have no idea if she will back out or if she can back out or when the deal is done. I found an apartment to move into, but if I sign a lease, and the sale falls, then I am stuck with a mortgage and a lease. Throughout this process, I’ve been blamed for any problems that I’ve happened and I’ve had to spend hours driving around with my cat because I haven’t been allowed in my home.

On social media, everything can look rosy but in reality, it’s all quite stressful. These are the thoughts that are ruminating in my head at 3:46 AM on a Monday. It feels like a domino effect like if one thing goes wrong, everything will fall. It feels like a tremendous amount of pressure. And now I know that I’m gonna be exhausted at work tomorrow, and I have a big meeting with a prospective donor. I will push through, like I always do, but inside I will be stressed.

There are a lot of rumors going around about how it feels to get your second vaccination shot. For me, I had a bit of a headache and a very sore arm for about 24 hours. I did not sleep well on the night that I got my shot, but it may just have been my usual insomnia. My general advice is to take it easy the day after your shot and then you should be fine.

I wish I knew how to self soothe right now. Writing here helps to get my thoughts out, but then what? I’ve been listening to podcasts, playing games on my iPad-my usual ways to distract my thoughts. But they don’t seem to be working tonight.

I wonder how I’ll feel in the morning. I do know that I will drink a lot of coffee to get through the day. Even the anticipation of getting through the day is stressing me out!

I learned a lesson this weekend. Sometimes you have to keep things to yourself, even if you’re incredibly relieved and joyful about it. At the same time, it’s OK to be vulnerable And admit if you made a mistake. I also think it’s really important that we try to put ourselves in other people shoes to understand why they may react a certain way. You never know what someone is going through. That’s the problem with social media. It just gives us one quick snapshot, and doesn’t give the full picture.

I’m trying to think of a way to end this post on a positive note. I don’t wanna go back and read this later and regret sharing my thoughts. I do know that I’m grateful for Ted. I wish that we didn’t live 45 minutes apart so we could see each other more often, and I’m hoping that I will be able to go ahead with the sale of my condo and move into the apartment that is five minutes down the road from his place. It feels like it will be an important chapter in our life together. Whether it is this buyer or another one, I will get there and will be one step closer to the next chapter.

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