Ted and I are married! Even writing that still shocks me. I have a husband. Repeat, I have a husband. It is surreal and wonderful and blissful all at once.
Our wedding day this past Saturday wasn’t picture perfect like the movies. On the contrary, it was stressful, messy, and basically, real life. But the most important thing is that our loved ones were all together, including my folks, Ted’s folks, my brother, my sister-in-law, and the kids. The kids were very stressed and overtired so they acted up all weekend but they’ve settled down now. I’m working through some of my anger about the day and it not being all that I pictured, but when it comes down to it, I got to marry my best friend and I couldn’t be more thrilled to have ended up with such a wonderful man.
Yesterday, I saw a listing for a house that I just fell in love with, so I went to see it last night and we put in an offer – Ted hasn’t even seen it yet. I give him so much credit to bid on a property unseen. With that said, he will be going tonight to see it so it’ll give us a chance to ruminate together. It is not a perfect house, but it is charming and right on a pond, which immediately brought me back to my childhood on the Navesink River.
I will admit I’m likely running on fumes at this point. I’m not sleeping well because I have so many thoughts swirling in my head – my parent’s health, the kids, my marriage, buying a house, my job, the cat’s health (she is having teeth pulled next week). I am not happy with how I looked in my wedding photos – all I see is my weight gain during Covid and feel very unhappy with myself. The joy isn’t there right now. I feel torn in so many directions and therefore, just feel stress and little happiness. This is clearly my anxiety and depression masking things, but I’m working on the tools to help myself. I have therapy, a job coach, and am working on finding a social/therapy group for people in my stage of life.
I sometimes regret writing these type of posts because then people who read these worry about me. No need to worry. I will weather this storm and come out on top as per usual. I have a toolkit to help me through it. Let me give you some examples on how I tackle things for #selfcare.
- My dear friend invited me to a girls’ weekend. I booked my flight. Then Ted’s mom said he should join me. Rather than infringing on my friend’s weekend, I cancelled the flight and booked a weekend in Newport for the two of us. My friend understands (I hope!).
- The kids do not understand boundaries well but they do respond well to rules. The rule is: if our bedroom door is closed, you must knock. And if we say do not come in, they can’t come in. Sometimes Ted leaves the door open accidentally when I need a few minutes of space. I know I must close the door or the kids look at it as an invitation to come in. They are very loving and snuggly, so if I’m into that, I can leave the door open. If I need time to get ready for the day, I close the door.
- I love working from home but I don’t like being alone all day. I’ll start my work day with a quick trip to Dunkin drive through for an iced coffee so I have interaction with other people, and it helps me ignite.
- When I’m stressed, it helps me to write. Thus, I have this blog! But I do not always want a retort so I removed the comments on this post.
- We have a big soaker tub in this rental. I have a big bottle of bath salts and sometimes in the evening, I’ll do “tub time.” These nights are critical on the weeks when we have the kids so I have a bit of alone time (which I need desperately as part of my mental health care).
- Mom’s health is up and down, but she’s still my mom, and I can still turn to her for support. In fact, I believe this is actually good for both of us because she can still take care of her “baby” and I can still lean on my mom (hi, mom!).
- I have an addictive personality – it’s been food, exercise, shopping, you name it. If I feel the urge to shop, I have a few coping strategies, including wandering through the aisles of the library (it works!), adding things to my online cart and then not pressing “order,” or giving myself $20 to spend at the Dollar Tree. It’s not a perfect system but it does help.
I am human, full of flaws, and do not need to be perfect, though that perfectionism creeps up at times. “Be kind to your mind,” right?