9/15/21

Dad is reading to mom while I’m working in the dining room. We had a very deep discussion last night about the “afterlife” and we concluded we both want to be greeted by our loved ones no longer with us. So, I’d like to think she’ll be greeted by her parents and brother when she passes.

I had a good session with my therapist today, and we agreed I need access to my cats, who serve as my emotional support animals, so I’ve asked Ted to bring Louie with him. Mom was less than thrilled, but Dad and I convinced her she won’t interact with him. We’ll close her bedroom door, and keep him downstairs. I hope he behaves – he’s a bit of a little rascal! If it doesn’t work, Ted’ll take him home. I hope it works. We all agree Nermal should NOT come here! She’s a very temperamental cat and would not be happy in any way, shape, or form being cooped up anywhere. She rules any roost she resides in, and in this house, mom rules. Ted and I think Nermal is going to be thrilled to have her run of our house!

My therapist also asked me what I need in terms of support. In all honesty watching my mom at the end of her life sucks. I’m so incredibly drained. I don’t sleep through the night, and then I have to get back to work in the AM, while balancing everything here. It’s a tough time in my life. I’m still very sad about cancelling our wedding. Someone said to me, “Well, you’re already married, so this was just the celebration anyhow,” and of course, I wanted to pounce. Way to be insensitive. How dare I want to celebrate getting married? As a result, my interest in interacting with people right now is minimal other than what I have to do (namely work). Fortunately, my colleagues are terrific and supportive. One of them even offered to drive here from MA and support me. She’s such a gem. That’s a good friend! Just the offer was enough. Another friend was ready to send me Venmo to get a meal for us. I told her no, but just that offer was so kind.

We had a delicious dinner last night, sponsored by a friend, so that was enjoyed by Dad and me. Tonight is Erev Yom Kippur, so Dad plans to socialize with his friends. I’m not up to it, so I’ll stay home with mom until our wonderful caregiver, Gertrude, arrives for her night shift. She is truly a blessing to us. My dad expressed his concern that mom hasn’t been interested in welcoming her dear friends to visit. My hunch is that as a caregiver, she can’t provide the counsel or care she likes to give, so she spending her time with her family and reminiscing in her mind.

This morning, she told me about how my brother took ownership of caring for me as soon as I was born. He is still taking care of me 46 years later! My brother and sister-in-law are on a well-needed vacation in France, checking in multiple times a day, and riding bikes for upwards of 20 miles a day. They were in Paris previously, and will be home over the weekend. Their plan is to head to NJ shortly thereafter. We all agreed that there was no need for them to return early. “No regrets” – we’ve all agreed. I’m glad they are enjoying the French countryside and it has inspired me to begin planning our honeymoon with Ted. No surprise, but Italy is in our future!

Dad and I are discussing plans for when mom passes. He is concerned about showing his grief. I told him that the only thing that people will say is that he is human. I have no idea if I can keep it together. I was thinking of writing a eulogy now and reading to my mom for her input. She’s totally the type of person who would be ok with it. It’s like someone writing their own obit in a way. She’s been reading the obits her whole adult life – one of those people – so no doubt she has thought about her own.

Clearly lots of thoughts swirling around in my head. Many more but I have a meeting now so I must go. More later!