10/1/21

New fiscal year. 100 donor meetings to go.

I cancelled my trip home. Our home health aide informed my dad that we’ll need to do more now to support mom, so I will remain in NJ to help. It’s the right thing to do.

I wake up tired. Not sure if it from the stress or sleep apnea. Either way, by the time 6pm rolls around, after juggling a full work day and life here, I’m wiped out. I am trying to figure out how to balance work and home life right now, and it’s so tough. I don’t have a ton of vacation time left (about 2 weeks), and we only get 3 days for bereavement, which doesn’t really help much with Shivas. Can you believe this is what I’m worrying about right now? It feels silly but I like my job and I take it seriously. Fortunately I have an excellent manager who gets it.

I went out yesterday and purchased a GIANT pack of k-cups, so I’m literally living off caffeine these days. I told my therapist I worry about my addictive personality, as I’ve been open on here about my past eating issues, but I feel like if I talk openly about it, perhaps that will help me deal. I’m more concerned about after my mom passes away, as now, I can still pop into the guest room and see her eyes widen. She says, “Hey, baby” in her soft voice, and then we can get into a brief dialogue. Soon, that will cease. Yesterday, I asked her what I should visualize if I am missing her after she is gone. She told me to think about all of the trips we took together – London, Rome, St. Thomas, Bermuda, etc. We talked about the visits to Broadway to see Rent, Anything Goes, They’re Playing Our Song. She said, “Just remember that I had the most fulfilling life and I wouldn’t change a thing.” #noregrets

More later.