Dad and I are here, alone now, without caregivers. There’s really no more support that is needed other than administering medications to keep mom comfortable, so we’re taking turns doing it. I said my goodbye to her. I am convinced she doesn’t want us to see her go, so I’ve been encouraging my dad to leave her be. As my grandmother Ruth used to say in Yiddish, “Let it be.”
The hospice nurses are astonished that mom is still here. Told you, strongest woman I know. I modified that to include “woman” because I told my dad he is the strongest man I know. He is so much stronger than he gives himself credit for.
I just wrote mom’s obituary. Short and sweet. I left the date of death blank. I know, it seems totally morbid, but I wanted to do it while my mind was clear. I still haven’t written the eulogy, but I’ve been running ideas around in my mind.
My sweet stepson J called me twice today to tell me how sad he is about my mom. He has the biggest heart. He is stressed about being called out of school when mom passes on. Today he said to me, “I just want our family back.” He then asked if we could have sushi when I return. 1,000 times yes, my sweet J. R is like his dad – he internalizes things, and processes differently. I will make sure to spend some time with him alone so he can sort out his feelings too. Maybe some more pottery painting….
It’s peaceful here now. I can hear mom’s breaths from the other room. They are slow and loud. It is sound I don’t think I’ll ever get out of my head. This whole experience has changed all of us forever. It feels like I haven’t been home in years.
I cleaned out two of mom’s closets today. I found some amazing things that I will keep and cherish, including a dark green leather swing coat from Italy – it even has her name sewn onto the label. She has the most beautiful clothes, and I found some great barely worn shoes to add to my collection (I can hear Ted sighing now at the sight of more shoes!).
We’re working on a bottle of red wine together. I’m drinking out of a Dollar Tree “Bachelorette Bash” cup that gives me tremendous joy whenever I use it. I’m so glad we moved the wedding.
Ok, those are today’s thoughts. It won’t be long now.