Today has been amongst the worst of them all. She’s yelling out to us, and we’re helpless to do anything. The nurses have been checking on her and they, too, say we’re doing all we can. But when I can hear her call out through a closed door and a TV playing, while talking to Ted, it’s really unsettling.
So many things floating around in my head. The hospice nurse asked us to call the funeral home today. I did. They told me to call back after she’s gone. Pop that one into the old noggin of stuff you aren’t excited to have to do again!
I keep thinking she’s yelling “Jo.” She may very well be. It’s hard to know. She does keep yelling “Help!” and that sucks. I’ve asked her what help I can provide. I grab her very cold hand, and tell her it is ok to go. Her breathing is so shallow and then she gasps like with sleep apnea. For those of you who continue to read this, God speed, as I can only think your imaginations are going rampant. But we are assured she’s restful and comfortable. There is a part of me who keeps hoping that somewhere, my nanny – her mom – is waiting with an outstretched arm, holding out her hand. It’s the only way I can get through this.
I can’t respond to texts except from Ted at this point. I can’t make small talk and I can’t send any more emoticons. I will rejoin all of you living, breathing souls soon, and with no hesitation, they’ll be full of hearts, rainbows, and flowers. The only only thing that calms me down are photos of the cats, which I’ve been getting all day from Ted & the kids because they’re home from work/school due to the storm in MA. I think we had a storm here too today? I have no clue. I’m in my own little Dad/Mom/Jo bubble right now.
We just ordered sushi from one of our favorite local places – my treat, this time. Our wonderful local friends have been so generous with the food – we do not want to be schnorrers (google it).
I want to keep writing as it is cathartic but I don’t have much more to write. I keep trying to work on another closet today but I’m just too darn tired. I went to the doctor while I was home, and got blood tests, and it turns out I’m iron and thiamine deficient from my bariatric surgery. So I’m busy popping vitamins and hoping for the best.
That’s all for now.