10/28/21

Our nurse Peggy said “today, tonight.” Bags are being packed, and we wait. When Peggy called in the morning to check in, I said, “Peggy, she’s sill breathing” with genuine shock. But then again, I’m not. #Strength

I showered, put on real clothes, and took a stroll around the Grove today, a local outdoor mall. I wandered in and out of the stores I used to frequent with mom – Anthropologie, Chicos, Talbots – and channeled my endorphins. It was good to get fresh air and walk a bit. Sitting around the house can become absolutely excruciating. I offered for Dad to join me, but he wanted to stay here.

I’m processing the lessons I’m learning while here. I talked through many of them with Peggy today and told her that people keep telling me how strong I am, but I don’t feel it. I’m just doing what feels like what I should be doing. I told Ted the only thing bugging me is when people criticize me or say stupid things. There have been a few of those as of late, but chalk it up to human behavior and try to let it roll off my back. Not easy for me to do, but as I’ve been saying, a moment of telling someone off will only end up causing a rift in relationships, so I bite my tongue.

There have been a few shining stars coming through the clouds for me, and those are the people I choose to confide in. They don’t make any of this about them. Thank you. You know who you are, and if you don’t, I will be sure to tell you when the dust settles.

I continue to mull my eulogy in my head. I am going to try to write it today. I put on my headphones, and I’m blasting Hamilton in my ears. I am going to treat myself to a viewing of the movie when I return home. Ted and I bought a giant TV when we were in our rental, so it’ll be fun to watch it there.

I haven’t written about this, but I’m on leave from work now. I initiated it on Monday, so I’m off until at least November 8th with the option of taking more time as needed. We know we need to stay with Dad until he moves to MA. The lease is signed and he has paid for 2 months, so we can move him in as of November 1, which clearly won’t be happening, but the place will be ours very soon.

My comfort comes from Ted and Louie coming once mom passes. Ted can take a week of bereavement. I already bought litter and food for Louie aka Boo Boo, so I will set it up in anticipation of his arrival.

FYI we will be doing a funeral service at my parent’s synagogue followed by a burial at the Jewish cemetery where my family is buried. So far, we plan to do Shiva services, once after the funeral and the day after. The service will be streamed online, so if you can’t attend, you can watch from home. I’m glad to know we have this option for friends and family who are far or who can’t travel. I told my brother that the only person I expect to be here is Ted. I think this is self-preservation so I don’t feel disappointed if someone doesn’t attend. People react in all sorts of ways when someone passes away, and I can’t predict who will come to the plate. If you can’t attend, we understand.