Well, the bereavement support group was a bust. It was too painful to hear other people’s stories and the facilitator wasn’t my cup of tea. So, I’ll stick with my individual therapy for now.
It’s been a really tough week with the kids. They don’t understand that my workday doesn’t end when they get home from school, and that I can’t provide them with attention at that time. I have had a tension headache for days and I’m literally going to burst. I have no where to go to be alone, and if I try, I get scolded by them for “avoiding them.” I’m suffering greatly and have no place to go & grieve. I’m not sure how long I can go through this. (Please, don’t text me or email with solutions. I’m not asking for them. This is simply my place to vent. I’m not soliciting advice right now.)
I miss my mom terribly. I can’t look at a photo of her without tears coming to my eyes. It’s too painful. She was the person I’d solicit advice from, so I’m trying to channel her voice as I navigate all of the changes in my life. Everyone keeps telling me not to avoid “feeling” but I have no place to privately “feel.” In the support group tonight I was encouraged to start telling people “no, I’m not available to support you now. I need to take care of myself.” It’s hard. Whenever I try to take care of myself, I’m criticized for “taking on too much.”
My solace right now are our the cats – Louie & Nermal. Louie is curled up next to my leg right now as I type. Nermal is probably pacing in our living room, looking for mice. They are my comfort & joy.
I was talking to our big boss today and he was asking me how I’m doing. I told him that even though we all go through this – losing a parent – it is a very lonely experience as we all mourn differently. I look at the world through a new lens now.
I reconnected with an old friend today, which was excellent. I am so grateful to know him & to reconnect after all of these years. So there’s today’s positive. Good night 🌙💤