Misery. Plain misery.

Just when I thought things were settling down, Ted contracted COVID. The kids and I tested negative. I’m not going to lie – this is miserable. I had a glimmer of hope with a trip to the Bahamas planned, and that’s off. American Airlines won’t give us a refund or travel credit because we booked a “basic fare.” I booked it through cheaptickets.com and all I can say is, never again! I’m going to have to sit on hold for a million hours to find out if we can get our money back.

And then my dad called me in a panic because his bank froze his assets. It’s all fixed – and it was their error. Poor guy blamed himself.

Kids will be kids. One day at home was enough to put me on edge. Trying to work from home is tough. About 25% of my team is out with COVID, including my intern, so I’m busy doing his work & my work.

Holy crap – while writing this on my phone – Louie the cat jumped on me. I had no idea he was in the room with me. Anyhow…

I’ve been sleeping on the couch and I have such a stiff neck that it hurts to turn it.

I told my therapist that I’m juggling so many balls that I haven’t had time to be sad about my mom. But all I want is to pick up the phone and call her and have her tell me everything will be ok. I have no one in my life now to do that. My friend texted me to “be gentle” to myself. I can’t get away and mourn. I have no privacy, no space. I can’t have a work day without interruption or focus. My therapist keeps telling me to aim for B’s but I feel like I’m barely making C’s.

I miss mom. The tears are flowing now. I’m pretty much at my lowest point right now.

Please – no comments or responses. This is my place to write and grieve. I’m not asking for you to weigh in, console me, or offer me advice. I just need a place to express myself. I want to just be left alone right now and I can’t get away.

I told Ted I need a break, and will go to a hotel for a few days. I need sleep, quiet, a break. Call it self care, an escape, a treatment for depression, but I can’t go on like this.

This is raw and unfiltered. I’m crying uncle.

How you doin'?

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