One year

Mom died a year ago. We buried her on 10/28/21. I’m feeling an array of emotions: sadness, anger, stress, frustration, and loneliness. And I miss her so much.

I’ve spent the last year reinventing myself – wife, step mom, home owner, new job (within my org). But I’m also learning what it is like to live without a mom.

In many way, mom had a lot of control over me. “You going to eat that?” she’d ask, eyeing my expanding body. She weighed in on all aspects of my life, even when unsolicited. So some of this past year was finding my own voice. And, in some ways, Ted has replaced her voice. But, as I always tell him, his pragmatism marries well with my emotional side.

This isn’t to say that the bad outweighed the good. On the contrary, mom was my closest ally, my confidant, and the calming voice of season. She encouraged me, cheered me on, and inspired me to aim high. She provided us with a strong role model and was extremely modest about her accomplishments, despite them being outstanding.

We shared a love of reading and learning, we loved the same sappy rom coms, and could shop quite literally til we dropped. She encouraged me to travel & see the world, and never let me leave the house without cash in my wallet. Even when the roles reversed and I made more money than her pension, she still made sure to sneak a $50 in my pocket. We were all shocked when she was sick, and we found wads of cash in her desk. She always had enough for a rainy day, and then some.

She filled her home with trinkets and plants, as do we. She loved switching up her throw pillows and blankets. Just last week I bought a fall array of decor for my home office.

Sometimes, I close my eyes and picture mom, and I get choked up. She remains a photo in my mind. I picture the good times, before cancer, when nothing really bad had happened to us, and we were blissfully ignorant of what’s to come.

One of the physicians I work with lost his wife to ovarian a few weeks ago. I saw him last week at our board meeting, and he said I’m one of the only people who understands his pain. I can’t imagine losing a spouse to ovarian (or any cancer). It just sounds like unimaginable pain.

The next few hours, days, weeks are going to be tough on my family. We will be mourning all over again.

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