3:45am thoughts

Not much good happens when you’re awake at 3am. My cat woke me for her middle of the night feeding, which to her, is like breakfast. Usually I can fall back asleep but not tonight…today?

I’m still saddened over a woman I know ranting about me (no name, phew!) on her FB page because I was vaccinated. She seems to think I should have refused the shots and left them for people in need. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work that way. We communicated privately about it but it still doesn’t remove the sting. I am apparently a terrible person for accepting the offer. I understand where she’s coming from and want to be sympathetic, but it pains me that I hurt someone that I thought was a friend.

And I made the mistake of looking at the comparable sales of condos while mine is still in process with the buyer. I have no idea if she will back out or if she can back out or when the deal is done. I found an apartment to move into, but if I sign a lease, and the sale falls, then I am stuck with a mortgage and a lease. Throughout this process, I’ve been blamed for any problems that I’ve happened and I’ve had to spend hours driving around with my cat because I haven’t been allowed in my home.

On social media, everything can look rosy but in reality, it’s all quite stressful. These are the thoughts that are ruminating in my head at 3:46 AM on a Monday. It feels like a domino effect like if one thing goes wrong, everything will fall. It feels like a tremendous amount of pressure. And now I know that I’m gonna be exhausted at work tomorrow, and I have a big meeting with a prospective donor. I will push through, like I always do, but inside I will be stressed.

There are a lot of rumors going around about how it feels to get your second vaccination shot. For me, I had a bit of a headache and a very sore arm for about 24 hours. I did not sleep well on the night that I got my shot, but it may just have been my usual insomnia. My general advice is to take it easy the day after your shot and then you should be fine.

I wish I knew how to self soothe right now. Writing here helps to get my thoughts out, but then what? I’ve been listening to podcasts, playing games on my iPad-my usual ways to distract my thoughts. But they don’t seem to be working tonight.

I wonder how I’ll feel in the morning. I do know that I will drink a lot of coffee to get through the day. Even the anticipation of getting through the day is stressing me out!

I learned a lesson this weekend. Sometimes you have to keep things to yourself, even if you’re incredibly relieved and joyful about it. At the same time, it’s OK to be vulnerable And admit if you made a mistake. I also think it’s really important that we try to put ourselves in other people shoes to understand why they may react a certain way. You never know what someone is going through. That’s the problem with social media. It just gives us one quick snapshot, and doesn’t give the full picture.

I’m trying to think of a way to end this post on a positive note. I don’t wanna go back and read this later and regret sharing my thoughts. I do know that I’m grateful for Ted. I wish that we didn’t live 45 minutes apart so we could see each other more often, and I’m hoping that I will be able to go ahead with the sale of my condo and move into the apartment that is five minutes down the road from his place. It feels like it will be an important chapter in our life together. Whether it is this buyer or another one, I will get there and will be one step closer to the next chapter.

Vaxxed

I got my second Covid-19 vaccination shot today so I’m officially vaxxed! My parents get their second shots next week, and then I’m heading for a visit. For those keeping track, it’s been about 7 hours since my shot and my arm is sore, I’m tired, and I have a slight headache. Nothing outrageous but I did climb into bed to rest.

My condo is under agreement so with everything going smoothly, I’ll close in early April and move into temporary housing until we buy a house.

Probably the best thing about today, besides the getting my shot, is that I found a wedding dress website that was having a very big sale! I ordered two dresses in the hopes that one works. Otherwise, I have two dress shopping appointments coming up with my parents in New Jersey. The most important thing is that I want to feel good about myself that day!Probably the best thing about today, besides the getting my shot, is that I found a website that sells wedding dresses that was having a very big sale! I ordered two dresses in the hopes that one works. Otherwise, I have two dress shopping appointments coming up with my parents in New Jersey. The most important thing is that I want to feel good about myself that day – from the inside out!

That is all the news from today! Wishing my family and friends in Texas warmth, electricity, and freshwater. I hate seeing the photos of what has happened there. Be well.

Life Beyond Covid

Amongst of flurry of unsettling dreams as of late, I had a night of dancing, singing, and celebrating in some random street with no masks and a crowd of fellow humans, all basking in the post-Covid joy. What a delightful dream!

It got me thinking. Will we be so grateful for some normalcy once the majority of us are vaccinated that we’ll stop taking freedom for granted? Will people be kinder to each other simply because we’re so happy to be out of our houses and our kids are back in school? I want to imagine a world like that, where we cool it on the road rage, we smile a bit more at each other, and we ALL hold the elevator for someone when they are running towards a closing door. Now that’s a world I can live in. Granted, many people do these things already, but wouldn’t it be cool if the majority of us did this on a regular basis? (I can’t expect the psychopaths and sociopaths to join in).

I imagine there will be some kindness at first, but if my instincts are correct, we’ll probably return to our old ways. We’re creatures of habit, after all (one a jerk, always a jerk?). I definitely think those of us who lost loved ones to Covid-19 will never be the same, though. My friend lost her dad. My cousin lost his sister-in-law. We lost so many celebrities – Broadway legends, writers, musicians, actors, and we lost even more everyday, regular people. That may cloud some of our joy, rightfully so.

But I still want to believe in the best of us. Food will taste just a bit tastier eaten at a restaurant amongst friends, theatrical performances will be even more enthralling in a theater, and the word “zoom” will go back to being something a child says when they wheel a toy car around their living room floor.

I am going to do my best to be better to everyone out there, and I hope you will too.

Back Home (for now)

Nermal and I returned home yesterday, and it’s so good to be here, even if it is temporary. Today I await the results of all of this effort on the part of me and my realtor (and team) as offers are due today at 1pm, and we’ll review them at 4pm. In the meanwhile, I’ve started looking online for temporary housing for me and Nermal until Ted and I find a house. My hope is to find temporary housing close to Ted’s apartment (he can’t have pets there) so we can see each other more often. We were both a little giddy on the phone last night at the thought of being able to see each other every day.

We’re on #304 (give or take) snowstorm this winter. The snow DOES look pretty as it falls, but you know – you go outside and it turns brown quickly from the cars, shoes, and nature outside. Still, I’m sitting inside my home, watching it fall, and it does look peaceful. The cat is sound asleep on my spot on the couch, so she’s happy. When we got home last night, she walked over to her carrier, hissed at it, and walked off. Clearly we know how she feels about being moved about!

We have a new VP at work so today I have a “coffee” with him and 2 colleagues. He is rumored to be excited about the program I am creating, so that’s a good thing. It’s been a slow start for it to get momentum during Covid, but I’ve been starting to develop some nice relationships with people that I hope will become donors over time. I do love working for a medical center, especially one that has created one of the vaccinations about to come onto the scene. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I still feel a collective sense of pride when I fundraise for the lab. I am excited when friends tell me they had their babies at our hospital. And recently, I learned of someone’s life being saved from her cancer surgery. I can relate, as I am indebted to MSK for saving mom’s life. I can relate to them, and so, I feel like I am paying it forward. I’m also doing some pro bono volunteer work – including giving a presentation to teens on philanthropy. I look forward to a time when I can become a professional consultant (maybe in 15 years or so) and devote my time to helping small nonprofits in need.

It’s good to feel excited about my work. I don’t talk about it much these days because I have so much else going on, but if you’ve known me for a long time, you may have known that my work used to occupy most of my waking hours. And you may recall that I used to get bronchitis at least once or twice a year, namely from all of the stress! I refuse to let it occupy my time the same way anymore. I have other priorities as well, though it is still very important to me.

Ok, everyone, cross your fingers, toes, and various body parts (keep it clean) that I get some good offers on my condo!

Strength

So many stories and blog posts have been swirling in my brain. Covid vaccinations. Selling my home. Isolation and loneliness. Post-Covid life. As I sit here with my laptop, I’m watching my cat, Nermal, fight her sleep. Every time her eyelids shut, they quickly pop open and she sees me watching her. I whisper, “It’s ok. Go to sleep. Rest, Nermal.” She tucks her little paws under her belly and closes her eyes. Then, alas, I see her wide-eyed again. When you think about it, she’s using her strength and determination to stay awake. It may be from fear of being vulnerable, it may be from not wanting to miss out on the action around her, but it does, in a way, come from her strength.

I too have been digging deep into my core for strength these days. It’s been tough, a I’ve experienced some major feelings of loneliness and isolation these past few weeks as I move from temporary home to temporary home as I work to sell my condo. Listen, I intellectually know I’m not alone. I have Ted, my parents and family, his parents and family, friends….but physically, I’m alone. Ted’s coworker was exposed to Covid, so he’s treading lightly until he gets the green light. My parents and I are all in the process of being vaccinated – each have had 1 shot, so after our 2nd, we’ll gather. Ted’s folks are in FL. And my friends have their own lives to live and their own families to handle right now. So, it is me and Nermal.

Over the last few weeks my friends lent me their ski condo in New Hampshire, and for a weekend, it is perfect – quaint, comfortable, and in the middle of the White Mountains. But for an extrovert like myself, it got very lonely, very quickly. When the heat stopped working, it provided an opportunity for me to head home. But home doesn’t feel like home anymore. It was professionally staged and it contains new items that aren’t my style and aren’t mine. My stuff is crammed into closets, drawers, and boxes in the basement. I’m living out of my big blue suitcase right now and dragging trash bags full of Nermal’s things – litterbox, scratching chair, food, toys, etc to hotels. We’re now staying in downtown Boston at a fancy hotel, only affordable to me because of Covid-19 at less than $100 a night (excluding cat fees, parking, food etc). Trust me, it adds up quickly! This weekend there are 3 open houses so I hope & pray we get some decent offers.

Last night, I left Nermal in the safety of my hotel room and took a walk to Newbury Street in Boston to get some takeout. As I walked down the street, I had flashbacks pop up: my internship at the Miller Block Gallery, the Trident Cafe & Book Store, changing storefronts, and delicious brunches at Stephanie’s. Many stores were closed due to Covid, and I felt a sense of sadness to think about what will happen when life opens up again. I commented to the front desk employee that I felt a sadness about what our post-Covid world may look like. She clapped back and said she refused to believe that things won’t pick up – “they just have to!” she said, and I promised her I’d come down the next morning (today) with a more positive outlook. I had to do it for her. I knew I could find that strength to help a fellow person out!

My therapist pointed something out to me this week. She reminded me that I’ve been through tougher things than this and that it will all be ok. We also agreed that I need to take “bite sized” pieces of life right now to get through. So, right now, we’re focused on getting through Monday, when I can return home. After we’re all done with vax, I’m going to NJ and mom & I will go wedding dress shopping together. We need to find these moments of joy these days.

While I wrote this blog post, Nermal heard a sound in the hallway of the hotel and she squeezed herself into the tiny front section of the king-sized bed under the headboard. And she just popped out, bravely. She is strong, and so am I!

Stepping into our life together

This morning, I packed up the car and drove to my friends condo in Waterville Valley New Hampshire, where I’m staying while my realtor and I sold my condo outside of Boston. As I drove away from my place, I felt a lot of joy. Last night, Ted and the kids came over for dinner, and I just feel good about this family that we created. Ted is really good to me, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with the kids. They are good boys and quite entertaining! I feel fortunate. There are times when I feel nervous, but I really feel good about the decision that we need to get married.

I think the hardest part was taking Nermal out of her environment. But she seems to be doing OK at the condo, especially since she’s here with me. I brought her favorite toys and things that she’s used to, which I think helps.

The poor cat was crying occasionally in the car ride…the longest car ride she’s ever had… So I took pop songs that showed up on my Pandora feed, and added her name into each song. So for example, instead of Tom Petty’s chorus, “hey, baby I won’t back down,” I would sing, “hey, Nermal, I won’t back down.” Despite my terrible singing voice, she would stop crying when I would sing her name. As my mother says, I have a “permanent infant” who wakes me up for middle of the night feedings! In someways, it gives me a purpose. OK, I know I have purpose, but you know what I mean.

It’s 8 PM and I am exhausted! Thanks to everyone for their support, I will keep you up-to-date on the selling/buying experience.

The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives

It’s Inauguration Day! Joe Biden is now our 46th President! We can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

I was at the dentist’s office this morning and I described to the assistant my “alternate universe” theory via Back to the Future II when Biff (based upon Donald Trump, BTW) was President and the world was off track. I still feel like we’ve been living in an alternate universe the past 4 years, between the Trump presidency, Covid-19, and the unrest in our world. I just saw a photo of my friend’s baby wearing a Kamala Harris onesie, and thought about what the world has in store for this 9-month old cutie. She’ll never know what we went through these past 4 years but will likely hear firsthand from her mother how she was born during a pandemic while we had a tyrant for a president. She’ll be like Ted’s kids, who only know a post-9/11 world with the rigorous airport security that has become our norm.

I also found out today that I’ll be getting my vaccination soon because of the nature of my job being patient facing. I am relieved but also wish Ted and the kids could get it soon too. And what about my parents, who are both immunocompromised and older (no offense to mom who reads this). Good for me, but what about the others?

Fortunately, my stress has subsided a bit since Monday although I haven’t slept well because my poor cat is stressed and full of hairballs (cue the piles of puke I find in the morning). Her world is shaken because we’re preparing my condo for sale. Remember the comment I wrote a while back that Ted made about the 1200 sq feet of my condo are her world. Her world is also being shaken up. She is lying peacefully on the couch beside me as I write this. I am doing my best as her caretaker to keep her comfortable.

Well, that is all for now. Congrats to President Biden and Vice President Harris!

Last Dance

It’s President Trump’s final full day in office. While he is publicly silent due to a social media ban, I imagine he’s busy behind the scenes pardoning people and tweaking laws before he goes. He is said to be heading to Mar-a-lago, his club in southern Florida, but my understanding is that there is a no residency law in Palm Beach that his neighbors generated years ago. If I were him, I’d flee the US and never look back!

I’m also embarking on my last dance in my condo. I’m busy getting it ready to be staged to sell. My realtor is posting a “coming soon” to local realtors today, and it will be live on February 1st. By then, I will be settled in at my friend Heather’s condo in Waterville Valley, NH, where she has graciously offered for me to stay with Nermal while my condo is shown and hopefully sold. I’m looking at it as a staycation while working. I think a change of scenery will help. I’m also contemplating booking a long weekend down south – somewhere sunny and warm – because my depression is flaring up right now due to the cold and dark. It’s like clockwork. I go through this every year. Last night was the worst. I cried for about an hour – sobbing – and then my face was so dry and my eyes hurt. I took a hot shower and felt better. I woke up this morning to see Nermal by my side, and it helps.

I’ll continue to remind my friends and family who read this. I’m in the midst of some of the biggest life stress right now – good things, but regardless, stressful – and I ask you to be gentle with me. My time isn’t my own right now – when I am not asleep, I am working or packing or cleaning or planning. I haven’t had a lot of down time and as a result, I’m drained. Be kind.

January Blues

Like clockwork, come January, my depression & anxiety are always escalated. This year I’m trying to tackle it with vitamin D and a “happy” light plus snuggles with Nermal when she allows it. Oh yeah, and snuggles with Ted too 🙂

Throw in a pandemic, planning a wedding, selling a condo, and still getting sea legs at my job….and it’s chaos in my brain. Oh, and did you hear the one when the Neo-Nazis stormed the Capital and our President basically egged them on.

It’s enough to make us all have the January Blues!

This is the time to focus on self care. I just got a new iPad, so it’s been fun setting that up. I’m working hard to get my condo ready for staging & photos, so it’s nice to declutter. I’m trying to be gentle on myself with my job, too.

As they say, this too shall pass.

Happy 2021!

Happy new year! I think it is pretty safe to say that most of us are happy that 2020 is now behind us. As I’ve said before, 2020 wasn’t so bad for me as I got engaged! And, my mom finished her latest round of chemo, and seems to be doing fairly well managing this chronic illness that she unfortunately contracted.

I’m officially on my “sell my condo” mission, concurrently working with a stager, Painter, realtor, and fiancé! I am looking forward to the next chapter, which is living with Ted and the kids. I went over there today to see them, and I just enjoy my time with the three of them. We didn’t do anything special, just had dinner and I watched them play video games.

On my way home, I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up some fun food items to cook tomorrow for an early celebration for Ted’s birthday, which is on Monday. On Monday, the four of us will have dinner together. And this is my family. No one said you had to give birth to kids to feel like they are part of you. The love I feel for them and Ted is very deep.

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful weekend and happy new year!

Emotional Support

It’s been a whirlwind week and it’s only Monday. I pulled the trigger today on selling my townhouse so my realtor & I are in full force “operation sell condo.” It’s a good time for sellers so we’re moving ahead. We hope to stage my place at the end of Jan and sell it mid-Feb! #wishfulthinking

I’ll need to vacate for a few weeks with Nermal and then we’ll go from there. So big changes afoot.

It’s not easy having the cat as I navigate this journey but we are each other’s emotional support. As Ted has said to me, her whole life is within the three floors of my condo. I’m about to change a lot of that, and it’s going to be very disruptive to her. At the same time, it is going to be very disruptive to me. And I need her by my side through this process. I truly understand the meaning of having an emotional support animal. I have been very open about my depression and anxiety on this blog, and I truly believe that she is an additional RX to me. Just like I need my medication and my talk therapy, I also need my emotional support animal by my side. I am also her caretaker and I take that role very seriously.

I don’t really think I understood the role of caring for an animal until I took on taking care of Nermal. Sure, friends and family mock me for my “Obsession“ of my cat, but I know the truth. She is my companion. She depends on me, and I’ve never had anyone or anything depend on me before. When I get home, she greets me at the door. She nuzzles and cuddles with me in the morning. You have to remember that for the last 25 or so years, I have been living completely alone. Suddenly, I am taking care of another living being. Remember, I am not a parent, so I’ve been just keeping myself alive all these years.

It’s a bit frustrating when people in my life don’t understand the relationship I have with the cat. It’s namely the friends and family who don’t suffer from mental illness who have the most difficult time understanding the connection that I have with her. A cat is an uncomplicated being, and it has just a few requirements in life, which include being fed, having a clean litter box, and being loved. They don’t really ask for much, but if they’re missing one of those three things, they are lost. I can provide those things for her and it creates a meaningful relationship for me.

Clearly, I am engaged to a wonderful man and will be the stepmother to two rambunctious, amazing step kids. The relationship I have with them is completely different as we are humans. While we all depend on each other for love and support, for the most part we can take care of ourselves. Nermal, on the other hand, completely depends on me.

Skeptic? I would appreciate you read this article to help you understand.

PS about five minutes after I wrote this, she hopped up on my lap and is kneading me now!

Basking in the Glow

I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. There’s just something about someone proclaiming their love for you by giving you a sparkling ring. It’s a symbol, perhaps, but it just makes me giddy.

In case anyone is interested, I’m working on a wedding website at:

theknot.com/joannatedtietheknot

Eventually it’ll have our registry and wedding details. We went to Bloomingdale’s to register and holy shit, it was ridiculous! We noticed $250 for one fitted sheet! So, we removed many of those items & will be actually registering at Macy’s after the holidays. No interest in visiting a mall now! I know lots of people have been asking my mom about it so check back on the link above in Jan/Feb.

In the meanwhile, we’ll enjoy our birthdays (mine, Dec 19. Ted, Jan 4), Christmas, & ushering in 2021 – the year we get married!

I’m a little sad because I decided not to go visit my parents. I was talking to one of the physicians today from my job, and he basically told me to stay the heck away from my parents until we’ve all been vaccinated. I need to listen to him. They’re both vulnerable, and I would never forgive myself if they got sick because of my visit. So, alas, we continue our zoom relationships.

Ciao for now!

We’re engaged!

It’s official! Ted asked me to marry him during my family zoom on Saturday evening – so 2020, right? We were at his parent’s home on the Cape and the kids were with us, so we were surrounded virtually and in person by our immediate family. Thanks, Ted, for asking!

It’s been incredibly moving to see how many people have wished us well on social media. I think there was a collective sigh of joy for some good news versus more Covid stuff. Speaking of, I found out today I should be getting my vaccination sometime between April – June via my job as I work for a medical center. Feels like good timing as we hope to have a bridal shower in late spring/early summer in NJ.

And my 46th birthday is Saturday! So it’s a week of celebrations. (Isn’t he cute?) 👇🏻

Thank you

Thank you for the outreach from my post yesterday. I heard from many friends and I truly appreciate it! I think when you have a “people pleaser” personality you worry about how you can please everyone. The truth is, no matter what, you just can’t please everyone. So just know I’ll be doing my best! 🥰

My 3 life lessons

There are 3 life lessons I try to always live by:

1. The Golden Rule

2. Always be honest

3. Invite everyone to the party*

* It’s this 3rd one I’m struggling with right now. If Ted and I had our wedding tomorrow, we’d probably be able to have 10 masked attendees sitting 6 feet apart. If it was in a few weeks, it may be just us, a camera, and everyone else watching via zoom. But, if everyone gets a Covid vaccination by the summer, as the experts anticipate, we may be able to expand our list to 75, which includes immediate family and a handful of close friends. Every time we consider another “layer” it increases 10-20 people.

To be honest, I have zero interest in a big wedding with a poofy dress + all that stress. We hired an event planner to eliminate my stress. I’m taking Ativan tonight just thinking about it.

So, if you’re reading this, please know that it’s going to be a small affair. That doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate together over dinner or at a wedding shower or via zoom now. It just means that Ted and I want a small event that costs our guests minimal money (travel, gifts, new clothes) and maximum enjoyment. And dare I say, it’s our day & we don’t want a ton of fanfare. We just want to celebrate our love with some good food & our closest loved ones. Nothing more.

We went over to Bloomingdale’s on Sat to register and honestly, it was upsetting to me how expensive everything was. Why should we have the chutzpah to ask people to spend $1,000 on a set of knives? We left a few items on, but honestly, at our age, we know we’ll likely not need “fine China” or champagne flutes. We need new sheets when we move, and we can always get them ourselves! We’re creating our own registry on The Knot with quirky and interesting items that we like. If people feel like purchasing them for us, awesome. If not, we’re ok with that too!

My point is: I don’t want anyone to be hurt or upset if we can’t include them on our wedding day. We will have a lifetime to celebrate with you! By then, we’ll have a new house so come over for a Ted-cooked dinner. If you’re not local, let’s meet up for a weekend after Covid. Consider 2021 our wedding year and then we’ll have plenty of time to toast with everyone! Deal? 🥂🥰

PS thanks!

A quiet vent

Last August, I went to a local appliance store to purchase new appliances for my condo, thinking that it was a good investment if I either sold or rented out my place. I picked MA tax free weekend – August 30th. My salesperson told me it would be about a month, that mostly fridges were delayed, and they could go ahead and install the microwave in the meanwhile. I paid for everything, including installation and delivery.

And I heard nothing. As the end of September creeped up, I reached out to the store via phone and heard nothing. I texted them, as instructed, and was told, “Nope, not in.” I texted again and heard nothing. I called a few more times. Nothing. I asked for an alternative set of options, and they sent me a list of items that would cost an extra $550. I asked them if they could get me all of the same brand (the re-do wasn’t). No response. I texted and said that if they didn’t respond, I may have to report them to the BBB. I got a nasty response and then told them to cancel my order.

I reached out to my former (and future realtor) and she said I really should get the appliances, and to keep the order. She called the owner of the store and he said he’d reach out to me. He found a new set of options for an extra $300, so I said ok. We scheduled the delivery. I asked them if they could help me get the microwave installed, several times. It is still sitting in the box on my floor. The fridge was too tall. I sent them measurements. They sent over another one, stating I said it was 68 inches (my email said 63), and it was too tall. Each time, they charge me for “unboxing.”

After my original costs, I’m out another $600.

I currently have 1/2 white old appliances and 1/2 new appliances.

I am not mentioning the store nor any names but I can tell you that I would never work with them again…ever…ever…ever. I told Ted I am so scarred that I never want to purchase appliances again. I am out so much money and it has been so stressful. The salespeople and owner have been ok but I am sure they call me all sorts of names privately. I just want to get my fridge and never have to walk in that store again.

Yes, I understand there is a shortage of appliances and the like, but I think this may be the worst customer service experience I have ever had. It has given me unnecessary additional stress and I want to scream really loudly! So, this is my form of screaming.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Phew. Thanks!

P.S. I have also spoiled a ton of food moving it in and out of the old/new/old fridges. Argh!!

Dancing

It was a wonderful weekend with Ted. On Friday night, he cooked us dinner and afterwards, we danced to different songs that we’re considering for our wedding song. I think we picked a winner.

I played a song for him that I used to sing with my dad at the piano as a kid. Mom would be getting ready to go out, putting on her makeup, and we’d sit on the piano bench, playing & singing while we waited for the babysitter. I started dancing with Ted to this song and started weeping. It was an ugly cry, likely a culmination of the stress and joy I’ve been feeling, as my mom finishes chemo, we plan a fall 2021 wedding, and I think of my sweet dad taking it all in.

We danced for about an hour – maybe longer – and we laughed as we snuck in a few other songs, like disco & of course, Erasure. I tried to convince him that the acoustic version of Always would make the “perfect wedding song” but we both knew it wouldn’t. “This is so 80s,” he said.

We awoke on Saturday and headed to downtown Boston where we met with our jeweler, who is designing our ruby ring, in remembrance of mom’s side of the family. The surrounding diamonds come from a ring that mom gave us – our own heirloom. When the ring is done, Ted will pick it up & formally propose. I think it’ll all feel real then.

I cooked Saturday night after a long nap, and then on Sunday, we cleaned out my fridge in prep for my new appliances coming this week. With a fresh coat of paint, my condo will soon be ready to sell, and off we’ll be on our next adventure: cohabitation when we find the right home.

Everyone keeps commenting on how shitty 2020 has been, but if you ask me, it’s been pretty remarkable on a personal level. Mom is healing, I have a great job, and if the timing works, I’ll be soon engaged to the love of my life at the age of 45. I’m not trying to be flippant and say that it’s been a great year on a global scale, but my point is that it has been good for me. And let’s not forget that I’m going to be a stepmom to two remarkable boys.

Here’s to more dancing. 💃🏻

When to ask for help

There are lots of wonderful changes happening in my life. Ted and I are working with a jewelry designer on a ring, we’re looking at purchasing a house together, and in short, we are merging our individual lives into a family. As my dad would say, it really is a beautiful thing. I have a great, meaningful job. Mom’s health is in check. Overall, things are good.

But there is this underneath malaise. My muscles are tied in knots, I am eating more sugar than I have in years, I wake up at 2am and 4 am every night, and apparently, I have cracked several teeth during the night from teeth grinding, causing potential future issues. So, why am I reacting this way to all that happiness? Well, there’s Covid. And the election. And while I am thrilled at my new life, it means saying goodbye to much of my current life, including my home and solace. I’ve been living alone my entire adult life. In 2019, I added plants that remained alive, and then I added Nermal the cat into the mix. Phew, all still alive! Now I’m adding in husband and stepsons, plus new home, new routines, new commute, a lot of newness all at once. It feels exciting and scary all at once.

It’s natural to feel this way, and trust me, I have zero interest in changing anything (except maybe the whole Covid thing, the mom illness thing, and the Trump thing) but in terms of my own life, I like the direction it is headed. But it is a lot to process and I’m seeing some reverting to bad old habits, like overeating and overspending. I want to nip those things quickly. So I reached out to my longtime therapist today and asked if we can meeting weekly for a while. I am aware enough to catch things before they escalate. Her compassion and encouragement to take care of myself really helps. There’s no judgement, but rather, she points out patterns, trends, and is quick to remind me to be kind to myself. I need that right now.

So I’m writing this to get out my thoughts but also knowing that my many subscribers will also be reading this. It’s ok to ask for help.

2 more weeks

Election Day is coming up in about 2 weeks.

I don’t say too much on my public social media, but here, I can be free to speak my mind without the repercussions of backlash.

I am secretly praying in my head that Trump loses the election. He is very worrisome to me. I truly believe he is a crook, bigot, and chauvinist. I have deep rooted fears that he has been secretly tricking our government by not appropriately paying taxes like the rest of us (or some of us, at least). I think behind closed doors he says racial slurs and comments about women. I know he also says them in public! Do I think he believes them? Some. I see footage from his campaign rallies and I believe he is telling lies, such as that he believes Covid-19 isn’t that bad (I think he believes it is THAT bad but doesn’t want his followers to think that). I bet he even talks smack about his followers behind closed doors. A friend of mine posted on FB this morning that he believes the Trump family is secretly funneling money to places where they can’t be prosecuted by the US. It is a conspiracy theory that I buy into, despite trying so hard to be very disciplined in only basing my comments in fact.

But, if I can watch Dateline or 48 Hours, and see that one man is able to convince 8 women to marry him and steal all of their money, then anything is possible.

I have another friend who recently said she’s a Trump supporter. There’s something I admire about my friends who can do that. I want her to vote for the person she supports. It’s the people who secretly will vote for Trump that bother me more. If you’re going to support him, speak your mind and tell me why. If you make it seem like you’re undecided but you know you’ll vote for Trump, for some reason, that bothers me. It’s not right – I know – because no one has share their vote. It’s a right to privacy. But I want to know why people are voting for Trump (or for Biden).

Why did I vote for Biden?

  • He has a long track record in politics. I like that he is experienced.
  • He recruited a very capable VP candidate who I believe is smart, fair, and wants the best for the country.
  • While he was VP, he had a bit of a reputation of being loud and passionate. I like that. But I’ve also seen that he can be thoughtful and mind mannered, which I also like.
  • He is not as liberal as Bernie Sanders. He believes in capitalism over socialism. So do I.
  • (although…) He doesn’t want to get rid of ACA, which I DO believe in. Why? Because I’ve utilized it when I needed insurance. I’ve gotten free healthcare as a result.
  • He is committed to getting us back on track as a good neighbor and partner with our ally countries. He is not a nationalist, but he does believe that immigration reform is important. I agree; I am all for welcoming everyone to our country as long as they do so legally or apply for protection as a refugee. Just because I am a 4th generation American doesn’t mean my family didn’t begin as immigrants in this country. Who am I to keep people out who want to be here?
  • He’s lived through some serious hardships, like losing his first wife and a child, and then losing another child to illness. He also has a son with substance abuse issues. He has overcome a disability of his own. This likely makes his more sympathetic to the plight of others. He is also not afraid to show how far he has come through hard work and perseverance.
  • For some reason, I trust him. I don’t think he’s lying about his taxes or squirrelling money away if he loses the election.

I mailed in my ballot last week so technically, I voted. But the above are some of the reasons why I voted for Biden.

Thanks for reading! I have absolutely no problem if you disagree with me. Just my thoughts!

It’s our turn, Claire!

I’m watching the season premiere of The Bachelorette on Hulu, and I got a bit teary when Claire, aged 39, said she’s been on the sidelines, rooting on her friends and it’s now her turn.

I said the same thing to Ted this week as we talk seriously about taking the next step.

If you consider we start dating around 15, I’ve been rooting my friends on for 30 years now. Granted, I’ve dated but other than my college boyfriend, nothing has been as serious as my relationship with Ted. I’ve never felt jealous or threatened about my friends’ relationships. I’ve always embraced their joy, rooting them on as engagement and marriage came for them.

I dated a flurry of decent (and not so decent) guys but no one serious. When Ted and I first dabbled in marriage talk, like “small or big wedding,” I realize that I had subconsciously given up on meeting “the one.” I had no secret wedding dreams or ideas about rings. I hadn’t thought about where I’d reside with my husband. I had quietly come to peace with my life – being a single, independent career woman and “auntie.”

And now, what am I? Not single but otherwise, still career oriented, independent, and the best auntie out there! But now I’m more. I’m future step mom. I’m independent and part of a couple. I’m now also a home cook and someone’s partner. I’m still me but my priorities have naturally shifted.

It’s my turn. 🥰

Goal weight

I just saw this article on Rebel Wilson and it says she’s “6 pounds from her goal weight.” And recently, when a friend heard I had gastric sleeve surgery, she said that she too had it and asked me if I had reached my “goal weight.”

So, really, what is a goal weight? Is it the amount of weight you should be based upon your BMI? Or, perhaps the number a diet program tells you where you should be? Or, an arbitrary number you create in your head?

Ok. So say you hit your “goal weight.” You could be 2 pounds away, go to the restroom, and – surprise! – you’re there. Or, you could take off your jeans, put on shorts, and “eureka!” You’ve made it.

Listen, I’m as goal oriented as the next gal, but putting a random number out there in the universe isn’t always the best strategy for weight management.

When I’m asked about goals for my surgery, I simply state that I had no specific weight loss goal, but rather, I wanted to help set my body up for success as I age, by lowering my blood pressure, reducing the amount of weight on my fragile, arthritic knees & ankles, getting out of the “prediabetic” scale, and much more. I’ve ditched my cpap. Yes, I lost roughly 75-80 pounds but more so, I can walk up a set of stairs without panting. I can walk up the stairs period!

This is why I don’t love the concept of goal weight. It’s really hard to stay one weight. And what happens if you creep back up, as bodies tend to do until they’re at the “set point” for your body chemistry at that moment in time. No one ever says, “oh, look, you’ve gained weight!” Unless you’re recovering from an eating disorder.

When I gained 80 pounds, no one complimented me or asked me if I hit my goal. “Yes, I’ve had a sufficient share of ice cream and pie this year! Thanks for noticing.”

Probably best just not to ask or comment. Poor Rebel Wilson. What’ll page 6 says if she gains it back? ☹️

10/12/20

It feels as if 2020 has been going on forever! Happy Monday, all.

It’s Columbus Day today, or as it may be known in the future, Indigenous People Day. I like that concept.

My office never closes so when it is a holiday, we have to use ETO (earned time off) so alas, I’m working (or taking a break, and writing this post). I’m in Panera for a few minutes to grab a coffee and work a bit before I head to lunch with some colleagues. My wonderful cleaners come on Mondays now so I try to get out of their way if possible. Poor Nermal sees their vacuum cleaner and immediately bolts for the basement, hiding behind my very dusty washing machine. After they leave, I gently call her name and like a good little cat puppy, she comes running up the stairs, skeptically but hopeful that the evil vacuum cleaner is gone.

As I look out of the window, it’s a dreary day but the leaves are almost fully changed to beautiful shades of orange and red. It’s always a bit sad when they fall to the ground because then I know that winter is upon us.

Mom is doing well. She has (hopefully) one more round of chemo in November, and then they will discuss the next course of action, which we all hope will be a break from chemo. Unfortunately, NJ has been removed from the list of “approved” travel states via MA so if I go there now, I will have to get tested before and after I visit, and then quarantine at home – alone – for 2 weeks. I don’t know if I can be alone for 2 straight weeks right now so Thanksgiving plans are up in the air right now. It may be a Zoom Thanksgiving this year 😦 I am sure I am one among many who will have to do that this year.

Perhaps the most exciting news is that Ted and I are talking about getting married. Like, for reals this time. We’ve looked at some rings and have the names of a few jewelers that we’re going to visit. Since we’re not kids and don’t care too much about tradition, we’ve discussed getting me a ruby ring. My mom’s family are the Ruby’s, so it is a nice homage to my grandparents and my own roots. It makes it feel a lot more special, like the blending of our two worlds. With no end of Covid-19 in sight, we’ve discussed having a small wedding, perhaps in his parent’s backyard, and very low key. I am so glad because I never wanted a big wedding where I have to spend so much time planning and worrying about everyone else. I want simple, low key, and it to be focused on us. We’ll likely do something later on via zoom or small group gatherings. And, we are hoping to move in together in 2021 after we find a house that we like (and can afford!). I may hold onto my condo for an investment, but it is a little daunting to think about being a homeowner times 2!

That’s the latest news. More to come!

Prez has the Covid.

President Trump has Covid-19. I woke up at 2am and saw the news. I went downstairs, had a spoonful of ice cream, and climbed back into bed.

I don’t like the guy but it doesn’t mean I want him to have Covid. I feel as though our country is unstable enough that we don’t need this on top of everything else.

I can’t help but feel like we may stabilize a bit if Trump doesn’t win the election. I am so fearful he’ll win again and we’ll have 4 more unstable years.

Mom said there are theories that Trump is making it up. It’s possible. CNN said he had a fever. Who knows?

All I know is that I’m going apple picking tomorrow and that’ll be nice! 🥰

Undecided

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning, The Daily, from the New York Times, and they were talking about undecided voters.

It’s so hard for me to think of someone being undecided in this year’s Presidential election. I feel like they’re both pretty different in terms of their political views. I guess one could be undecided if they agree with some of Trump’s and some of Biden’s choices, or vice versa – dislike a little of each, so they’re stuck in the middle.

I had a lively and fascinating conversation a few weeks ago with a Trump supporter who is also a very dear friend, and frankly, someone I admire. Her points were valid. She said she likes how Trump supports Israel, which is very important to her, and she likes how he has helped the economy. According to the Daily, Trump leads when voters asked about the economy – he definitely has a lead when it comes to financial perceptions. That’s when I like to see the numbers. Perception is that he is a businessman, and therefore, he has helped the economy. But he also bankrupt many companies and real estate, which is usually only discussed by the “left.”

I told my friend that she should absolutely vote for Trump since he is her choice. But, I told her it is very simple for me. I could never vote for Trump because of how disrespectful he is to women. I never got over that Extra video of him behind the scenes with Billy Bush when he talked about “grabbing by the p….” That was it for me. I don’t care if he was being “playful” or “silly” or “braggadocios.” It offended me to the core.

I don’t want him to win, but I also want Americans to feel like they can vote for whomever they want. It’s one of the reasons I love this country – our freedom to vote, to speak openly, to oppose openly, and to be who we are. And this is why I can’t ever vote for Trump. I am watching him slowly eliminate some of these freedoms.

I wish I could talk to some of the undecided voters and find out why they haven’t decided yet. If you read any good articles on this, please post them in the comments below.

What if…

There are all of these “what if” scenarios bopping around in my head so I thought it would be fun to think about some alternate universe situations. It’s good to sometimes write these things down to get them out of floating in my head!

…Covid arrived in a non-election year.

Do you think President Trump would have handled it differently with the public? Do you think he would have encouraged people to wear masks since he wasn’t trying to put on re-election rallies? Or. would he acted the same way, downplaying how bad this pandemic actually is? Would the other Democratic nominee hopefuls – Elizabeth Warren, Mayor Pete, Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, etc – have withdrawn their candidacy against Biden when they did? I assume President Obama called them all on the phone and told them they needed to come together as a party. Would that have happened so soon, or would it have dragged on longer?

…Covid never happened at all (big picture)

Let’s be honest. The entire world has been forever changed due to Covid. How would it be if we never experienced this pandemic? We’d still be commuting, traveling, socializing. Schools would have started a while ago in most states, and kids would be dragging those huge backpacks on their backs through the hallways, on route to their lockers. Likely many unhappy marriages would still be dragging on due to lack of quarantine where they realized, “I can’t anymore!” The economy would probably be trucking along with a healthy stock market. Many restaurants that have closed in 2020 would still be in business. The supply chain would still be functioning, and there wouldn’t be a lack of Clorox wipes throughout the country. We probably wouldn’t be seeing toilet paper brands written in Spanish in our local CVS because there be plenty of Charmin to squeeze. And nearly 200k (and counting) people may still be alive (some may have died regardless of Covid) here in the US. And 956k people may not have died worldwide.

…Covid never happened (in my world)

Work:

I may have started my job sooner than mid-May, so I’d be further along in my progress. I’d be working in the office, so I would know my colleagues much better, but I would also likely be more caught up in the gossip and drama.

Home:

I’d still be stressed about when I would be able to find the time to clean, do laundry, organize my guest room – all things that happen(ed) as a result of Covid.

Relationship:

I don’t think it would be any different. 🙂

@JoannaAfter40

I probably wouldn’t have the time to make my videos, which have become so much fun for me and I love making them!

So, here’s what I’ve learned. My life has been A-Ok during Covid. I’ve had good health and happiness regardless. I like my new job and despite the gossip, I like it and the projects I’m working on. Plus, many of my colleagues are awesome (there are a few mean girls, but ignoring them).

The rest of the world? Not sure it’s A-OK!