Dry spell

I have not had a date in months.

Months.

Maybe it’ll be more dramatic if I say it in all caps:

MONTHS.

Why, you ask?  I’m single, I’m sassy.

SonHouse_DrySpellBluesI’ve just felt completely unmotivated to date.  For an extended period of time, I was dealing with a serious personal issue that brought my self-esteem way, way down low and only recently have I been able to bring it back up.

So, would you want to date a depressed person who felt like she was worth very little?

Neither would I.

It’s taken a lot of personal strength and growth to get back to my usual place of self worth and confidence, and I’m almost fully back!

I’m not eager to jump back into the world of online dating.   It’s such a pattern with me.  A guy looks at my profile and sends me a very blasé message that usually says “hi” or “how are you?”  And then he proceeds to try to engage me in a very uninteresting conversation. Or, he wants my phone number so he can begin texting me incessantly.  Yawn.  It never goes anywhere and I lose interest so quickly.  (This is why I teach a class on this stuff, ladies and gentleman, to help break these cycles!)

1281139535889_9723689How else am I going to meet guys?  I’ve tried everything.  I’m a loss now.  I told my therapist that I’ve given up home on ever meeting someone.  She, fortunately, has not given up hope and has assured me that she has ideas in store.

Trying hard to find a nugget of hope.

On the other hand, there are a lot of wonderful elements in my life.  I love my freedom, independence, and spontaneity.  Still, I have 6 chairs around my dining room table.  Let’s try to fill at least 2 of them every night!

 

Get Out of My Way!

I cannot seem to get out of my own way.

While I teach about online dating strangers in a classroom and help my friends polish their profiles, I can’t seem to get over the stumbling block to re-write my own and get back to online dating…or dating in general.

Instead, I play around at night with Tinder and OkCupid, innocently flirting with guys I have no intention of meeting.  It’s easy and not intimidating, because there’s no follow through required.  Click, smile, like, repeat.  Next.  Send a few “hello” messages.  Move on.

Tripping-Hazard-Caution-Sign-S-4413None of this will amount to anything of substance, not even a date.  I even have my friendly flirt who lives down the street and visits my profile every few weeks to say hi.  He flirts tirelessly for a few days, perks up my ego, and then disappears again.  I have my theories that he connects with me in between relationships or when he’s having a fight with his girlfriend.  Either way, it requires little to no commitment on my end.  It’s harmless flirting that will lead to nothing.

But, of course, we know what this all means.  None of this silliness will lead to a meaningful relationship or, frankly, to a date.

Why am I just playing around?

I’m having a series of outside issues that I’m dealing with that mess with my self esteem, and therefore, prevent me from being able to date.  If dating is like job interviewing, imagine trying to go on a series of job interviews when you’re feeling really crummy about yourself.  The innocent flirting is about all my psyche can handle these days.  It’s quite sad, really, because it ends up wasting months of my life when I could be meeting someone special.  What is that stupid saying – if you can’t love yourself, then who will love you?  You  are what you eat?  Something trite like that.  Basically, it just means that when you’re a person like me who wears her heart on her sleeve – and your heart is in need of repair – it’s hard to sell yourself to someone.

I’m stuck in my own way and can’t seem to get out.  It’s like I’m tripping over my own two feet over and over.

How can I get over this hurdle and start dating again?

Winter Blues: Dating in the Dark

Friends, it’s January 16th, 2014 and for many of us, it’s the dead of winter.  It’s dark, damp, dreary, gloomy – certainly not the type of weather that makes you want or appropriate to put on “strappy” sandals, a cotton sundress, and go galavanting around the city with a young lad on your arm.  It’s the opposite.  In fact, on the last few weeks, I’ll admit that I stayed in my frumpy pjs almost all weekend, watched Netflix, and slept in on my amazingly warm flannel sheets with the shades drawn.  When I go out, I layer up with cashmere sweaters, wool socks, Ugg boots, scarves, gloves, and bulky coats.  Anything but sexy.

And many of us here in Boston get the winter blues.  We hibernate like bears, going directly from condo to car to work to condo until the snow thaws, and then we slowly venture out again when the weather hits the 50s.  We’ve had a weird winter, with arctic chills hitting below 0 degrees and then a random day of 60 degrees.  As a result, we have colds, sniffles, the flu, and don’t know when to wear those scarves and gloves.

It doesn’t make for an appealing dating season.

Couple making snow angelsBut for some reason, this week, I’ve gotten a handful of emails on Ok Cupid, and even commented to one of the guys that I’m surprised to have heard from him in the middle of the winter.  It’s nice to have a little romantic jolt or spark amongst the dismal dark days of winter.

I have a tentative date set for Saturday night.  We’ll see how dating in the dark goes!

Stir it up! Create a Match.com Summer Singles Event and Win

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If you’ve been reading my blog over the last year or know me in person, you have probably heard me say that I think match.com is one of the best sites to meet someone.  I’ve personally had the best success with it – have met a few boyfriends on it and have had general success in meeting quality guys through match.com.  I’m currently talking to a total sweetheart on match and we have tentative plans to meet up soon!

But, you also know I’m a fan of speed dating because it takes the world of online dating “offline” and you get to meet people in person.  Match.com has taken the best of both worlds and created something calls a Stir event.  Stir events, which take place in person (versus online), offer events around the US ranging from large-scale happy hours to more intimate events like tequila tastings (one of my drinks of choice!) and DJ lessons (DJ Joanna, anyone?)

So Match.com is celebrating Stir’s one-year anniversary.  This is pretty cool because it demonstrates its success and that match has had time to work out the kinks.  In the last year, they have had almost 3,000 events (in actuality: 2,850 events – broken down, that’s 14 events each day, 75 events a week, 320 events per month), which allows for many opportunities to meet dudes and ladies.  Over 225k people have attended so that’s a lot of peeps to meet!

So you’re reading this and thinking “yeah, yeah, but I only need to meet one person.”  Well, now’s your chance.  You can help create your own Stir event, which puts you in the power position to potentially meet someone!  How do I do this, you ask?  It’s easy.
Just Visit Match.com’s “What Stirs You?” Contest Page now through Tuesday May 28th, 2013 and tell Match.com what you think would make for the perfect singles event to be entered to win. The selected winner will have their idea re-created by the Match.com Stir Events team in their city, and will receive an invitation to attend the event along with ten of their singles friends – all at no charge! In addition, the winner will also receive a free six-month Match.com subscription.  That should give you plenty of time to meet someone…or at least have a few booty calls.
This post was sponsored in part by Match.com.

Refusing to Give Up Hope

So, it’s been a while.  I’ve been really busy with my new job and haven’t had much energy to write after a long day.

But, I’ve decided to rejoin the online dating world.  I mean, technically, I’ve never left in the sense that my profiles are still up, but I haven’t actively been looking online.  I’m ready to begin again.

What are my obstacles, stumbling blocks, & challenges?  Well, there are many, but it’s tough when you get a flirt from a guy online and then you read what he has to say about himself:

Not sure what to write here. Been on this site and others a few times, not a fan of Internet dating but life is sometimes too busy to meet new people.

Ugh.  What makes me want to date this guy?  He starts out with a negative and then tells me, immediately, that he is not a fan of internet dating.  Dude, who is?  Then, he tells me he’s too busy to meet new people.  So, what makes me think you’ll have time for me?

I don’t mean to write him off completely, but take 5 minutes to write something thoughtful, anything but what you’ve written.

I feel like this is my online equivalent to what he wrote:

Overachieving perfectionist who is so picky that she refuses to settle on the lame guys she’s met online.  She’d much rather spend a Friday night on her couch watching Netflix than waste a couple of hours on small talk with you.

But, seriously, why would anyone ever want to date that person?

So instead, I look things that might be more enticing to a man.  I don’t know – would these things work?

Enjoys spending time helping her friends with their kids when their husbands are out of town.

Willing to make room for you in my closet and have saved my handyman projects just for you.

Wants to get in the car with you and drive to Newport to spend the day on the beach, stopping for fried clams along the way

I dunno know about you, but I’d date me.  Ok, if you read this blog enough, you know I’m only kidding and am completely aware of my faults.  But I hope that my strengths outweigh them and there is truly someone out there for me.

I refuse to give up hope.

New Post on SW: New Year, New Attitude

Check out my latest post for Singles Warehouse entitled New Year, New Attitude!

It’s (almost) my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to.

Gulp.  Friends, tomorrow is my birthday.  Normally, I am a very “rah rah” birthday person but I’m dreading this one.  Why?  Because…

I’m turning 38 years old.

Ouch.  There, I said it.  Out loud.  In writing.


cryblogI shed a few tears last night when I thought about that (for about 2 seconds, but I like how dramatic it sounds).  I think it was prompted by a lot of change going on in my life right now.  Leaving my job, buying a condo.  Those are a challenging juxtaposition – tearing out roots while planting others.

But I think the tears were slightly more connected to the emotional impact of being single.  I recently had lunch with a very wise woman (hello, wise woman!) and she said to me that if I had wanted the “marriage, kids” route, then I would have pursued that.  Instead, I’ve focused more on my career.  And she’s right.  If I had wanted that for myself, I would have put it as a priority and made it happen.  There are plenty of wonderful, single men out there looking for that.  But, instead, I pursued my career ambitions and to be honest, I do not regret that one bit.  I’m proud of my intellectual curiosity, ambition, and thirst for adventure.

With all that said and done, I’d still like to meet someone and commit to him.  You know, someone to confide in and share your innermost thoughts.  I’m not sure I’ve had that (at least, long term) since my boyfriend from college.  And that was about 20 years ago!

I’ve got to turn this around, my friend. I can’t whine and bitch and complain about it and not do anything!

So, I’m getting myself back out there.  Speed dating.  Online dating.  Singles events.  And if any of you know someone who might be a good match, I’m always open to a set up.

In the meanwhile, I continue to embrace my life, as always, and love it the way it is.

He makes $20,000k. Is is wrong that I passed on him?

Got this message today on OKCupid.

“I don’t know how sexy am I. lol I’m an aspiring artist in the country town of XXX. I am an all around nice guy looking for a nice girl.”

I really wanted to cut him some slack and give him a glance.  Granted, not always a great idea to start your message with a downer like “I don’t know if I am sexy” but again, trying to be open minded.

So I started scanning his profile – lots of photos with his daughter – ok, that’s bound to happen with many guys my age – and then I came to his income: less than $20,000.

I want to be open minded, but he has a daughter and is in his 40s.  So, chances are, much of that money goes to supporting his child, and rightfully so.  Without disclosing too much information, I’m going to just politely say that I make more than that.  I don’t need a rich man, but some financial stability & security would be nice.

It reminded me of today’s “Love Letters” in the Boston Globe.  The author stated that he just recently returned to the US after living abroad for a few years..and now he’s living with his folks as he looks for a full-time job.  He asked if he was “dateable.”  The answer is absolutely “yes.”  He’s not sitting on his ass, drinking beer, and watching reality tv 2/47.  He’s ambitious and no doubt he’ll eventually get a job.

So, I will politely delete the guy’s email and move on.  As I keep saying to my friends and family, I enjoy my life so much and if I bring a guy into the mix, he has to add something to my life.

But, the man sounded sweet and I do wish him all the best in life.